Tuesday, April 30, 2002
One more thing...I believe in full artistic and creative expression.
I have no problem with Marilyn Manson or any of the other blood/death metal groups out there.
I have a problem with little white shit heads who think that by appealing to 13 year old children they are making some sort of a statement. And what statement is Eminem trying to convey anyway? Hatred? Murder? Rape? Yeah...those are REAL funny topics and should be conveyed in a glorified manner to the youth of our country.
Please Eminem...continue with your hate music. I am sure some huge homo will one day find you, beat you and rape you the way you talk about in your songs.
God...why do I hate him so much?
I just really do.
He is useless.
No not true. He is harmful and making money off of hurting others.
That's a great goal for everyone to have!
Live it up psycho shitheads of the world...there is a future for you yet!
I have no problem with Marilyn Manson or any of the other blood/death metal groups out there.
I have a problem with little white shit heads who think that by appealing to 13 year old children they are making some sort of a statement. And what statement is Eminem trying to convey anyway? Hatred? Murder? Rape? Yeah...those are REAL funny topics and should be conveyed in a glorified manner to the youth of our country.
Please Eminem...continue with your hate music. I am sure some huge homo will one day find you, beat you and rape you the way you talk about in your songs.
God...why do I hate him so much?
I just really do.
He is useless.
No not true. He is harmful and making money off of hurting others.
That's a great goal for everyone to have!
Live it up psycho shitheads of the world...there is a future for you yet!
Did you know that Dido's "Thank you" came out in 1999? Damn...that shit is old! No wonder it gets on every last nerve I have. Speaking of Dido...have you heard that Eminem has a new cd out? And that he is also planning on dressing up as Osama Bin Laden for his next video release? The new song he has out now talks about how "controversial" his songs always are and how the media just "won't leave him alone".
You know what Eminem? You are a piece of fucking garbage. Your lyrics are for shit and you are a fake mother fucker.
It's really too bad. I think he is so incredibly talented. But gifted or not, his way of communicating himself just makes him come across like a close minded, homophobic degenerate.
In my most obnoxious and uncaring opinion, I wonder why Lisa Lopes had to die, yet Eminem still plagues the face of this earth?
You know what Eminem? You are a piece of fucking garbage. Your lyrics are for shit and you are a fake mother fucker.
It's really too bad. I think he is so incredibly talented. But gifted or not, his way of communicating himself just makes him come across like a close minded, homophobic degenerate.
In my most obnoxious and uncaring opinion, I wonder why Lisa Lopes had to die, yet Eminem still plagues the face of this earth?
In the background, I can hear Doris (Debeast) speaking with my boss Jim. She is saying something to the effect of creating more work for my friend/co-worker Penelope. Everything is: "Penelope can do this one first, maybe that can wait...what about at the end of the week?"
I think that Doris is wishing and hoping that Penelope comes back and knocks her ugly face in.
I think that Doris is wishing and hoping that Penelope comes back and knocks her ugly face in.
Counting the damn minutes until I go home!
As molasses do, they tick on my computerized time clock.
Each number traveling slower than the rest.
Creating poetry to kill the clock.
Realizing that all it does is put my stomach into further knots.
Waiting, praying, hoping that Paul is fine.
As molasses do, they tick on my computerized time clock.
Each number traveling slower than the rest.
Creating poetry to kill the clock.
Realizing that all it does is put my stomach into further knots.
Waiting, praying, hoping that Paul is fine.
So I have taken Rita's advice and have now installed Launch Music Experience on my computer. And what an experience it is! I can hear all my favorite songs all day at work. I have had the system running for almost 5 hours now and I haven't heard any repeats! Not that I would mind...these are all my favorite songs. What a great idea Rita. Thanks!
Paul is in surgery right now. I have been really stressed and upset about it all day. I really don't like being here while he is there doing this. I am sure everything will go smoothly. I have been praying all day. It's just that I have yet to find the peace in my prayer and I don't know why. Maybe it's not my peace to have.
Stomach clenched in knots.
I will feel better once I get home and make preparations for my visit tomorrow. I just have to get there and make sure he is ok for myself.
Nightswimming is playing!
Penelope is out of work today at an interview. She used the old "My aunt died" lie and got to miss out today, free of charge. Nice move P! I have been wondering how it went for her. Imagine if she quit??? I don't know what I would do. Would I get a new partner in crime up front? Do I have a say in who they hire? I am sure not. What if they are some old, raging asshole. I want nothing to do with raging assholes. Well, actually, if they are...I will make them answer the phones, fix the copier, and do all my other bitch work. And they will always get the 1pm lunch!
Standing Still by Jewel is on now.
What else? What else?
I guess nothing.
Work has been crazy for me today. Real busy. Trying to get everything done so that I can go to Boston tomorrow night with no worries. Been busting my ass today. These announcements are fucking irritating when you can't wait until the day before to do them. And I am sure that my boss will change it all.
Very excited about that.
Alright...it is starting to rain and I am really hoping that it turns into a full fledge storm by the time I go home. I have no umbrella and I am not wearing a heavy jacket, so I hope to go home freezing cold and wet. One can only hope!!!
Paul is in surgery right now. I have been really stressed and upset about it all day. I really don't like being here while he is there doing this. I am sure everything will go smoothly. I have been praying all day. It's just that I have yet to find the peace in my prayer and I don't know why. Maybe it's not my peace to have.
Stomach clenched in knots.
I will feel better once I get home and make preparations for my visit tomorrow. I just have to get there and make sure he is ok for myself.
Nightswimming is playing!
Penelope is out of work today at an interview. She used the old "My aunt died" lie and got to miss out today, free of charge. Nice move P! I have been wondering how it went for her. Imagine if she quit??? I don't know what I would do. Would I get a new partner in crime up front? Do I have a say in who they hire? I am sure not. What if they are some old, raging asshole. I want nothing to do with raging assholes. Well, actually, if they are...I will make them answer the phones, fix the copier, and do all my other bitch work. And they will always get the 1pm lunch!
Standing Still by Jewel is on now.
What else? What else?
I guess nothing.
Work has been crazy for me today. Real busy. Trying to get everything done so that I can go to Boston tomorrow night with no worries. Been busting my ass today. These announcements are fucking irritating when you can't wait until the day before to do them. And I am sure that my boss will change it all.
Very excited about that.
Alright...it is starting to rain and I am really hoping that it turns into a full fledge storm by the time I go home. I have no umbrella and I am not wearing a heavy jacket, so I hope to go home freezing cold and wet. One can only hope!!!
Monday, April 29, 2002
DONATE TO ME PLEASE! ALWAYS LOOKING FOR SOME GOOD HEAD!
So the coolest thing happened at lunch today.
I was sitting at the West End
(The West End, 2911 Broadway (@ 113th St.), 662-8830
M-Su 11:30am-2am
Columbia University hangout (it's 1 block southwest of campus) once frequented by Kerouac. Huge sitting areas inside, with o.k. food served till 10pm. Back room hosts bands every Friday and Saturday for $0-10. Cheap pitchers.) .
I ordered cheese fries and a diet coke. The cheese fries came and I ate them, but no diet coke. The waitress comes back to the table and asks how things are...by now I am 30 minutes into my lunch break...I say "good, but I am really thirsty". She looks at the table and sees that not even a water has graced my path since I have sat down. She says: "Chardonnay?" I say: "No, not today. I will just have a diet coke". She's like: "Have a Chardonnay, it's on me." I say: "Well, ok!"
She brings me my Chardonnay and I drink it in two seconds. She comes back about 10 minutes later and says: "Another one?" I say: "No, just the bill please." She is like: "Have another one. It's on me".
DOH?!?!?!
"Well, alright", I say. I then drink the next glass of wine and she brings me the bill. $4 and change for cheese fries and two glasses of wine. YAYAYAY! What a nice suprise. She is the cutest little blonde girl and she treated me so well. What a suprisingly good lunch.
And cheap! Almost cheaper than Burger King.
Almost.
I was sitting at the West End
(The West End, 2911 Broadway (@ 113th St.), 662-8830
M-Su 11:30am-2am
Columbia University hangout (it's 1 block southwest of campus) once frequented by Kerouac. Huge sitting areas inside, with o.k. food served till 10pm. Back room hosts bands every Friday and Saturday for $0-10. Cheap pitchers.) .
I ordered cheese fries and a diet coke. The cheese fries came and I ate them, but no diet coke. The waitress comes back to the table and asks how things are...by now I am 30 minutes into my lunch break...I say "good, but I am really thirsty". She looks at the table and sees that not even a water has graced my path since I have sat down. She says: "Chardonnay?" I say: "No, not today. I will just have a diet coke". She's like: "Have a Chardonnay, it's on me." I say: "Well, ok!"
She brings me my Chardonnay and I drink it in two seconds. She comes back about 10 minutes later and says: "Another one?" I say: "No, just the bill please." She is like: "Have another one. It's on me".
DOH?!?!?!
"Well, alright", I say. I then drink the next glass of wine and she brings me the bill. $4 and change for cheese fries and two glasses of wine. YAYAYAY! What a nice suprise. She is the cutest little blonde girl and she treated me so well. What a suprisingly good lunch.
And cheap! Almost cheaper than Burger King.
Almost.
So there is news about our favorite show Sex and the City.
Supposedly, Kim Cattrall is leaving this season. She wants to pursue movies now. Do they get a new girl? I don't know if that would work. I could play her part. Maybe they will give me a shot.
Also, one other bit of bad news. Instead of the usual 13 episodes this season, there will be 8. Cuz Sarah the slut had to go and get pregnant.
Supposedly, Kim Cattrall is leaving this season. She wants to pursue movies now. Do they get a new girl? I don't know if that would work. I could play her part. Maybe they will give me a shot.
Also, one other bit of bad news. Instead of the usual 13 episodes this season, there will be 8. Cuz Sarah the slut had to go and get pregnant.
And lookie who is the Breakout Artist of the Month: Vanessa Carlton.
Check out her new song "Twilight". It's beautiful, I think.
Check out her new song "Twilight". It's beautiful, I think.
Lisa Lopes (1971-2002)
I was shocked and really upset to find out that Lisa Lopes, of TLC fame, was killed last Thursday night. It seems to me that there have been quite a few shocking deaths in the celebrity world these days. Of all of the celebrity deaths that I have experienced in my life, this one has hit me the hardest. Aaliyah's death was quite shocking as well, but I didn't listen to her music that much so I wasn't as personally affected.
Lisa Lopes and I go back for years. I was a HUGE fan of CrazySexyCool and an even bigger fan of FanMail . Both CD's were in massive rotation in my stereo for quite some time. Their beats, their voices, and their overall package was something that I not only appreciated, but admired as well. TLC is a group that was fun, cutting edge, and strong as fuck. They went through bankruptcy, media chaos, and personal tragedy and somehow STILL managed to remain as a group. My personal favorite member is T-Boz. AKA Tionne Watkins. But without Lisa's rap portion of their songs, the group loses that overall package that took years to fine tune.
I am sad. I don't know why I care so much. But I definitely do. I was eagerly awaiting their next album and was also upset to find out that they were in the middle of recording it, to be released at the end of the year. Hopefully they will still finish it up. I will be one of the first to own it.
Life is so unpredictable. Why did Lisa die? Yes, she was a very reckless, crazy individual. But so is half of the industry. TLC debuted in 1992 with their first album. You remember the songs: "What about our friends" and "Baby baby baby". It has only been a decade since they have been around. A decade? I was sure they were around for much longer than that.
Last night I watched a memoriam special on TLC. I saw some old videos, old interviews. TLC has won 4 Grammy's. Including Best R & B Album for both CrazySexy and Fanmail. Good for them, right?
I am still just so confused by this whole thing. I am disappointed because I was still looking forward to seeing them in concert at some point. This will never happen now. And what if Tionne and Chilly try to replace Left Eye? It couldn't happen. It shouldn't happen. And I don't think it will happen.
TLC is done now. Another representation as to how unfortunate and scary life is. And just another milestone as to how much older I am getting.
I hope no one ever dies again.
I was shocked and really upset to find out that Lisa Lopes, of TLC fame, was killed last Thursday night. It seems to me that there have been quite a few shocking deaths in the celebrity world these days. Of all of the celebrity deaths that I have experienced in my life, this one has hit me the hardest. Aaliyah's death was quite shocking as well, but I didn't listen to her music that much so I wasn't as personally affected.
Lisa Lopes and I go back for years. I was a HUGE fan of CrazySexyCool and an even bigger fan of FanMail . Both CD's were in massive rotation in my stereo for quite some time. Their beats, their voices, and their overall package was something that I not only appreciated, but admired as well. TLC is a group that was fun, cutting edge, and strong as fuck. They went through bankruptcy, media chaos, and personal tragedy and somehow STILL managed to remain as a group. My personal favorite member is T-Boz. AKA Tionne Watkins. But without Lisa's rap portion of their songs, the group loses that overall package that took years to fine tune.
I am sad. I don't know why I care so much. But I definitely do. I was eagerly awaiting their next album and was also upset to find out that they were in the middle of recording it, to be released at the end of the year. Hopefully they will still finish it up. I will be one of the first to own it.
Life is so unpredictable. Why did Lisa die? Yes, she was a very reckless, crazy individual. But so is half of the industry. TLC debuted in 1992 with their first album. You remember the songs: "What about our friends" and "Baby baby baby". It has only been a decade since they have been around. A decade? I was sure they were around for much longer than that.
Last night I watched a memoriam special on TLC. I saw some old videos, old interviews. TLC has won 4 Grammy's. Including Best R & B Album for both CrazySexy and Fanmail. Good for them, right?
I am still just so confused by this whole thing. I am disappointed because I was still looking forward to seeing them in concert at some point. This will never happen now. And what if Tionne and Chilly try to replace Left Eye? It couldn't happen. It shouldn't happen. And I don't think it will happen.
TLC is done now. Another representation as to how unfortunate and scary life is. And just another milestone as to how much older I am getting.
I hope no one ever dies again.
Well, I have arrived. The weekend was officially over as of 6am this morning. Mariah and her friend Anne came into town last night for an audition in the city. They crashed at our place last night. It was, as always, great to see Mariah. She was so cute. The one ridiculous part is that Anne had to put her cat to sleep yesterday morning, cuz it was all crazy and tempermental. Then she got to our house and saw Kelly's cat Trey and nearly burst into hysterical tears. She was like: "Oh...he looks just like ______" (insert random dead cat's name here). It was sad, but she talked about it incessantly and it left me wondering...if you put your cat to sleep this morning, why are you in NYC auditioning to be the next American Pop Idol
when you seem like all you want to do is be at home crying? Guess you gotta do whatever it takes to be a star.
So, I hung out with them for a bit and then tried to get some sleep.
Not nearly enough. I am beat. So tired that my body hurts and my head feels fuzzy. I don't think that I have had a moments silence since last Tuesday when Paul came in to the city.
Must sleep.
On Wednesday night, I am heading to Boston to take care of Paul. He is having major surgery tomorrow night and he is going to be lying on his back for about a week. I am going so that I can cook him meals, watch movies with him, and change the dressing on his wound. Nast. But someone's got to do it.
Barf-a-ria.
Time to go stare blankly at my computer screen for an hour.
when you seem like all you want to do is be at home crying? Guess you gotta do whatever it takes to be a star.
So, I hung out with them for a bit and then tried to get some sleep.
Not nearly enough. I am beat. So tired that my body hurts and my head feels fuzzy. I don't think that I have had a moments silence since last Tuesday when Paul came in to the city.
Must sleep.
On Wednesday night, I am heading to Boston to take care of Paul. He is having major surgery tomorrow night and he is going to be lying on his back for about a week. I am going so that I can cook him meals, watch movies with him, and change the dressing on his wound. Nast. But someone's got to do it.
Barf-a-ria.
Time to go stare blankly at my computer screen for an hour.
Friday, April 26, 2002
Thank God it is Friday. I just wish that I had a moment to breathe this weekend, but that ain't gonna happen. I think that when Monday night comes, I will collapse and die for a day or two. It has been a fucking mad house lately. I don't remember the last time I had a clear head or a full night's rest. Seems like days ago.
Paul being here is a wonderful thing, but for some reason I am having a bit of a hard time relaxing around him. I have clenched stomach and anxiety like you wouldn't believe. It will come and go, but it isn't relaxing whatsoever. I don't want him to leave, but I want to just find a way to calm down. I don't know. It's weird.
Yesterday after work, Paul met me and we went down to Chelsea to go to Happy Hour at the XL Lounge. It was one of the most beautiful bars I have ever been in. It was amazing. From the architecture and video screens to the gigantic aquarium by the most private and comfortable bathrooms, I felt like I was in gay heaven. It was wonderful and I definitley can't wait to go back. Plus...during happy hour, it was two for one drinks. On everything! Andrew drank dirty martinis and I drank stoli vanilla. And each round was 7 bucks. Great times. Great times.
After that, we took a walk to Chelsea piers and looked at the boats, the Jersey skyline, and smoked a quick J. We were laughing our fucking asses off. It was great. After this adventure, we ended up at this bar/lounge called Open. It was this really cute little bar on 16th street and 12th, or something very close to that. I think the place was new because the empolyees didn't seem to know the business very well. But they were sweethearts and ended up giving us half our drinks for free. What a night!
Paul got a salmon plate and I almost puked. It was raw salmon, served like pate'. It came with little pieces of toast and a rammy-kin of sour cream. He loved it. I couldn't even watch him put it in his mouth. Good times. Good times.
By the time he finished his Sangria and Toasted Almond, we got in a cab and headed home. I didn't have much to drink at all last night. That's strange. I just wasn't in the mood.
When Paul and I got home, we had hot sex again! We were going to just try to go to sleep, but I couldn't keep my hands off of him. So...I got my way and he loved it. I suck a mean dick. We talked and laughed all night. Because of this, I really don't understand why I would feel so anxious around him these days. We are having a blast! I am sure it has something to do with us not talking at all for the month before the visit...but hmph. Optimistically, I am looking at this strange turn of events as no big deal. I will be with him from Wednesday night to Sunday night. I am sure we will settle in again by then. We better...cuz I will be taking care of him as though he were my little baby.
Tonight Jessica rolls into town. Gonna be some fun and exhaustion headed our way. Mariah will be here on Sunday.
Just got to get to Monday.
Just gotta.
Just....
{{ack}}
Paul being here is a wonderful thing, but for some reason I am having a bit of a hard time relaxing around him. I have clenched stomach and anxiety like you wouldn't believe. It will come and go, but it isn't relaxing whatsoever. I don't want him to leave, but I want to just find a way to calm down. I don't know. It's weird.
Yesterday after work, Paul met me and we went down to Chelsea to go to Happy Hour at the XL Lounge. It was one of the most beautiful bars I have ever been in. It was amazing. From the architecture and video screens to the gigantic aquarium by the most private and comfortable bathrooms, I felt like I was in gay heaven. It was wonderful and I definitley can't wait to go back. Plus...during happy hour, it was two for one drinks. On everything! Andrew drank dirty martinis and I drank stoli vanilla. And each round was 7 bucks. Great times. Great times.
After that, we took a walk to Chelsea piers and looked at the boats, the Jersey skyline, and smoked a quick J. We were laughing our fucking asses off. It was great. After this adventure, we ended up at this bar/lounge called Open. It was this really cute little bar on 16th street and 12th, or something very close to that. I think the place was new because the empolyees didn't seem to know the business very well. But they were sweethearts and ended up giving us half our drinks for free. What a night!
Paul got a salmon plate and I almost puked. It was raw salmon, served like pate'. It came with little pieces of toast and a rammy-kin of sour cream. He loved it. I couldn't even watch him put it in his mouth. Good times. Good times.
By the time he finished his Sangria and Toasted Almond, we got in a cab and headed home. I didn't have much to drink at all last night. That's strange. I just wasn't in the mood.
When Paul and I got home, we had hot sex again! We were going to just try to go to sleep, but I couldn't keep my hands off of him. So...I got my way and he loved it. I suck a mean dick. We talked and laughed all night. Because of this, I really don't understand why I would feel so anxious around him these days. We are having a blast! I am sure it has something to do with us not talking at all for the month before the visit...but hmph. Optimistically, I am looking at this strange turn of events as no big deal. I will be with him from Wednesday night to Sunday night. I am sure we will settle in again by then. We better...cuz I will be taking care of him as though he were my little baby.
Tonight Jessica rolls into town. Gonna be some fun and exhaustion headed our way. Mariah will be here on Sunday.
Just got to get to Monday.
Just gotta.
Just....
{{ack}}
Thursday, April 25, 2002
Alright Joe. Quit playing with it now. You are going to fuck it up again!
I CANT BELIEVE SHE FIXED IT. You would have died laughing if you saw what had happened. Then you would have seen my tears strolling down my face and the laughter would have stopped.
Now if I can just figure out a way to make my body of text stop eating my guestbook, I should be all set.
I CANT BELIEVE SHE FIXED IT. You would have died laughing if you saw what had happened. Then you would have seen my tears strolling down my face and the laughter would have stopped.
Now if I can just figure out a way to make my body of text stop eating my guestbook, I should be all set.
You have no idea the chaos that just ensued.
I figured out how to make things scroll. But...as I did it, I published and found that my ENTIRE webpage started to scroll. THE ENTIRE THING! I tried everything that I could think of to fix it. Once I realized that the page was fucked up forever...Penelope notices an extra "a" in the html code. She removes it and the whole page went back to normal. WHAT IS SHE? A GENIUS???
I can't believe it. I should never be allowed to play around with code. But Penelope, now that girl...she's a prodigy!
Thank you P! Thank you from the bottom of my incompetent soul!
I figured out how to make things scroll. But...as I did it, I published and found that my ENTIRE webpage started to scroll. THE ENTIRE THING! I tried everything that I could think of to fix it. Once I realized that the page was fucked up forever...Penelope notices an extra "a" in the html code. She removes it and the whole page went back to normal. WHAT IS SHE? A GENIUS???
I can't believe it. I should never be allowed to play around with code. But Penelope, now that girl...she's a prodigy!
Thank you P! Thank you from the bottom of my incompetent soul!
THIS PAGE IS SHUT DOWN UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE!
stop it
please lord make it go away
stop scrolling
OMIGOD!
WHAT HAVE I DONE NOW???
ROFL! THE BOTTOM HALF OF THIS PAGE WONT STOP SCROLLING!
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
LOLOLOLOLOL
HELP MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
WHAT HAVE I DONE NOW???
ROFL! THE BOTTOM HALF OF THIS PAGE WONT STOP SCROLLING!
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
LOLOLOLOLOL
HELP MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
oops
Please notice that I have fucked up my blogger once again. The text is creeping now. It is trying to eat my guest book. Great. I try to add one cool thing and end up fucking up the entire page. Of course!
Please stay tuned. Eventually the guest book will be fully devoured, but there could be some fun new changes on this site.
Here is a small taste....and I give full credit to P for teaching me a new script.
Please stay tuned. Eventually the guest book will be fully devoured, but there could be some fun new changes on this site.
Here is a small taste....and I give full credit to P for teaching me a new script.
Well, hello!
Paul came in a day early yesterday. He calls me on the phone at like 4:30pm and says: "I don't think that I will be coming to visit anymore. My manager got fired and I need to stay to help make the transition go more smoothly." Feeling my life crumble before me, I packed up and got ready to leave work. I was pretty disappointed. When I walked out the front door, there was my studly liar of a boyfriend waiting for me. Man! He is just so adorable. I mean, does he always have to upset me just to make me happy again? This pattern of him calling and saying that he isn't coming, but then coming has to stop at some point. But if it means that I will get him for an extra day each time, then please Paul...hurt my feelings everyday!
We went grocery shopping when I got home. Then we made a GIGANTOR taco salad. We ate, laughed, watched Single White Female and went to bed at a decent hour for once. Well, 1am is not a decent hour for someone who was hungover all day yesterday. But I do feel much better today.
He is meeting me after work today to go to a nice dinner and then on to some drinks. I have already given him the warning that we will need to be home at a NORMAL time tonight. No 2-3am evening. I think he understood, but we will see...
He looks good, by the way. He is getting some nice pecs on him. I was very turned on by him yesterday. So turned on in fact, that I started to get the butterflies pretty intensely and couldn't even lay next to him at first. But then we had some amazing hook-up sex. No penetration still folks. But it was great. It was hot.
Some bad news...Paul informed me that, next Tuesday, he will be going to the hospital for emergency spine surgery. He has a polynoital cyst at the base of his spine, tailbone region. About 6 years ago, he had the first cyst removed, but since then, the hole at his lower back has opened up drastically and the new abcess that has formed is about double the size. It bleeds, it is very painful, and it needs to be taken care of right away. There are a few complications with the surgery and I am pretty nervous about the whole thing. He tries to be tough about it, but we spoke last night pretty in-depthly about it and I can tell how scared he really is. Unfortunately, once the surgery is over, it will be about a week before he can do the simple things again. Simple things means refraining from standing, walking, sitting on the toilet, taking a shower, any sort of physical exercise. I am leaving work next Wednesday at 5pm to go to Boston. He needs me there to take care of him and I wouldn't have it any other way. He is mine and he deserves my love and attention. Poor kid.
It couldn't have happened at a better time though. I have already cleared the time off with my boss. He has been so incredible lately. He agreed to take the time I use from my "sick" days and not from my vacation time. That's pretty great. I have about 15 days of sick time built up and only about a week and a half of vacation time left. Not only has he cleared the time for me, but he has done it in the way that benefits me most. Phew.
I guess that's the biggest shit I got going right now. It is already 10:35am. The day is flying so far. Please let that keep up!
Paul came in a day early yesterday. He calls me on the phone at like 4:30pm and says: "I don't think that I will be coming to visit anymore. My manager got fired and I need to stay to help make the transition go more smoothly." Feeling my life crumble before me, I packed up and got ready to leave work. I was pretty disappointed. When I walked out the front door, there was my studly liar of a boyfriend waiting for me. Man! He is just so adorable. I mean, does he always have to upset me just to make me happy again? This pattern of him calling and saying that he isn't coming, but then coming has to stop at some point. But if it means that I will get him for an extra day each time, then please Paul...hurt my feelings everyday!
We went grocery shopping when I got home. Then we made a GIGANTOR taco salad. We ate, laughed, watched Single White Female and went to bed at a decent hour for once. Well, 1am is not a decent hour for someone who was hungover all day yesterday. But I do feel much better today.
He is meeting me after work today to go to a nice dinner and then on to some drinks. I have already given him the warning that we will need to be home at a NORMAL time tonight. No 2-3am evening. I think he understood, but we will see...
He looks good, by the way. He is getting some nice pecs on him. I was very turned on by him yesterday. So turned on in fact, that I started to get the butterflies pretty intensely and couldn't even lay next to him at first. But then we had some amazing hook-up sex. No penetration still folks. But it was great. It was hot.
Some bad news...Paul informed me that, next Tuesday, he will be going to the hospital for emergency spine surgery. He has a polynoital cyst at the base of his spine, tailbone region. About 6 years ago, he had the first cyst removed, but since then, the hole at his lower back has opened up drastically and the new abcess that has formed is about double the size. It bleeds, it is very painful, and it needs to be taken care of right away. There are a few complications with the surgery and I am pretty nervous about the whole thing. He tries to be tough about it, but we spoke last night pretty in-depthly about it and I can tell how scared he really is. Unfortunately, once the surgery is over, it will be about a week before he can do the simple things again. Simple things means refraining from standing, walking, sitting on the toilet, taking a shower, any sort of physical exercise. I am leaving work next Wednesday at 5pm to go to Boston. He needs me there to take care of him and I wouldn't have it any other way. He is mine and he deserves my love and attention. Poor kid.
It couldn't have happened at a better time though. I have already cleared the time off with my boss. He has been so incredible lately. He agreed to take the time I use from my "sick" days and not from my vacation time. That's pretty great. I have about 15 days of sick time built up and only about a week and a half of vacation time left. Not only has he cleared the time for me, but he has done it in the way that benefits me most. Phew.
I guess that's the biggest shit I got going right now. It is already 10:35am. The day is flying so far. Please let that keep up!
Wednesday, April 24, 2002
So...what is my problem? I spend the entire day hung over and then I go to lunch with my boss and end up having 3 glasses of wine. Am I serious? Now I am drunk again! How does this happen? Ironically, having some of "the hair of the dog that bit me" has turned out to make me feel 100 times better. I guess the old adage is true. From now on folks...if you are really hung over and can find some way to down a couple more glasses of booze...you will feel worlds better!
It was a great lunch. We just talked about some work shit, waxed philosophic, and ate and drank. I love my boss. He is really great. He is easy to talk to and I just feel comfortable opening up to him. It is weird...I dread these lunches so much and then once I am there...it always turns out so great! I just don't know. Am I a pessimistic bitch deep down? I try to act as though I am a full optimist, but I guess not.
Today has turned out to be pretty cool.
Almost time to go home and go to bed.
It was a great lunch. We just talked about some work shit, waxed philosophic, and ate and drank. I love my boss. He is really great. He is easy to talk to and I just feel comfortable opening up to him. It is weird...I dread these lunches so much and then once I am there...it always turns out so great! I just don't know. Am I a pessimistic bitch deep down? I try to act as though I am a full optimist, but I guess not.
Today has turned out to be pretty cool.
Almost time to go home and go to bed.
OMIGOD. I am dying. After a night of craziness and booze, I sit here barely able to keep my eyes open. What happened?
I meant to go out and have a simple, inexpensive dinner. Next thing I know, and $120 later, I am home in bed at 1am. Or something like that. I don't even fully remember. I was very drunk. Usually I don't get hungover. And actually I don't have your typical hangover symptoms. No headache, just a little nausea at this point. But the "over" part of the word hangover is definitely how I feel. I am just done. I am not pulling out of the fog any time soon. Most times, I am usually fine by like 11am or 12pm. But today...oh man...I just can't wait to get home and go to bed. And I mean real bed. No staying up to watch movies or to putt around. Just time to get naked and get in bed. And the best part about going to bed early is that when I wake up...PAUL WILL BE COMING! I feel like I have waited for this moment for a lifetime. And it is almost here! I just had a moment of complete and utter love for him.
Udder. That shit is sick.
Last night at the bar, I was chilling with Angie, Kelly, Rita, and Angie's roommate fuck face. Remember how I was dreading seeing fuck face? Well, because he was so cool and relaxed last night, he will now be given a real name. His name from this point on will be Jennifer. Hey. It's a step. If I hang with him again and it is just as cool, he will be given a more respectable name. But for now, Jennifer seems like the appropriate way to go. He was great last night. He was cool, comfortable, and he even looked good for once. I enjoyed being in his presence and that was kind of a shock.
Angie was adorable last night. I think she had a really nice time. It felt so good to be her friend and to be there supporting her. She loved the present that Paul and I got her. Her smile glowed last night and it warmed my heart. I just love her.
Kelly was in a great mood last night too. It is so rare that she gets to let go and not be in rehearsal or memorizing lines or going to class or going to work or etc etc etc. I can't remember the last time that the 5 of us all hang out. I don't think it has happened since like January. Gosh. I really enjoyed myself.
BUT...at the end of the night...Rita and I had a major argument explosion. I sit here and literally LOL right now thinking back on it. We were like screaming at eachother with no regard to anyone else in the bar. It's funny how anger can totally eliminate any sort of self-conciousness. At the peak of our screaming match, Rita gets up, grabs her shit, and bolts from the bar. I immediately grab my shit, say goodbye, and then run out of the bar after her. There was no way I was going to let her go home alone, in the state of mind that she was in. So picture this...Rita doing her DAMNDEST to run away from me....me changing directions every time she did and trying MY damndest to catch up with her. Then the funniest part is that she is yelling at me, I am calling her names like: "Stupid fucking bitch", "dumb idiot", we are screaming at eachother so loud that the people on the street think that I am kicking the shit out of her. Rita told me that at one point some guy gave her a sly look that said: "should I help you in this situation?"
OH MAN! Were we really those people last night???
When we finally got in the cab, we had some time to cool down. I held onto her like she was my little baby. A cry baby!
SIKE!
After we got home, we immediately went into my room to discuss what happened. Of course I am not going to get into the details of the argument, that is unimportant. What I will say is that all of this drama was based on a simple comment that was misinterpreted on Sunday. For two days, we stewed over a low flame. I think we both thought that it was squashed. Then the next thing we realize, shit just came POURING out! How random. I felt like she and I were in a relationship. What with me running down the street after her and all of the extreme emotions that came out. It was all very romantic.
I just hope Angie didn't feel put out at all. I don't see why she would, but I just hope she didn't.
So now...here I sit, quietly suffering.
Thanks to Kelly for remembering the name "Selma Blair". She is so good!
I think I may be starting to feel better now. For real???
I just love my immune system. Saves my alcoholic ass every time.
I meant to go out and have a simple, inexpensive dinner. Next thing I know, and $120 later, I am home in bed at 1am. Or something like that. I don't even fully remember. I was very drunk. Usually I don't get hungover. And actually I don't have your typical hangover symptoms. No headache, just a little nausea at this point. But the "over" part of the word hangover is definitely how I feel. I am just done. I am not pulling out of the fog any time soon. Most times, I am usually fine by like 11am or 12pm. But today...oh man...I just can't wait to get home and go to bed. And I mean real bed. No staying up to watch movies or to putt around. Just time to get naked and get in bed. And the best part about going to bed early is that when I wake up...PAUL WILL BE COMING! I feel like I have waited for this moment for a lifetime. And it is almost here! I just had a moment of complete and utter love for him.
Udder. That shit is sick.
Last night at the bar, I was chilling with Angie, Kelly, Rita, and Angie's roommate fuck face. Remember how I was dreading seeing fuck face? Well, because he was so cool and relaxed last night, he will now be given a real name. His name from this point on will be Jennifer. Hey. It's a step. If I hang with him again and it is just as cool, he will be given a more respectable name. But for now, Jennifer seems like the appropriate way to go. He was great last night. He was cool, comfortable, and he even looked good for once. I enjoyed being in his presence and that was kind of a shock.
Angie was adorable last night. I think she had a really nice time. It felt so good to be her friend and to be there supporting her. She loved the present that Paul and I got her. Her smile glowed last night and it warmed my heart. I just love her.
Kelly was in a great mood last night too. It is so rare that she gets to let go and not be in rehearsal or memorizing lines or going to class or going to work or etc etc etc. I can't remember the last time that the 5 of us all hang out. I don't think it has happened since like January. Gosh. I really enjoyed myself.
BUT...at the end of the night...Rita and I had a major argument explosion. I sit here and literally LOL right now thinking back on it. We were like screaming at eachother with no regard to anyone else in the bar. It's funny how anger can totally eliminate any sort of self-conciousness. At the peak of our screaming match, Rita gets up, grabs her shit, and bolts from the bar. I immediately grab my shit, say goodbye, and then run out of the bar after her. There was no way I was going to let her go home alone, in the state of mind that she was in. So picture this...Rita doing her DAMNDEST to run away from me....me changing directions every time she did and trying MY damndest to catch up with her. Then the funniest part is that she is yelling at me, I am calling her names like: "Stupid fucking bitch", "dumb idiot", we are screaming at eachother so loud that the people on the street think that I am kicking the shit out of her. Rita told me that at one point some guy gave her a sly look that said: "should I help you in this situation?"
OH MAN! Were we really those people last night???
When we finally got in the cab, we had some time to cool down. I held onto her like she was my little baby. A cry baby!
SIKE!
After we got home, we immediately went into my room to discuss what happened. Of course I am not going to get into the details of the argument, that is unimportant. What I will say is that all of this drama was based on a simple comment that was misinterpreted on Sunday. For two days, we stewed over a low flame. I think we both thought that it was squashed. Then the next thing we realize, shit just came POURING out! How random. I felt like she and I were in a relationship. What with me running down the street after her and all of the extreme emotions that came out. It was all very romantic.
I just hope Angie didn't feel put out at all. I don't see why she would, but I just hope she didn't.
So now...here I sit, quietly suffering.
Thanks to Kelly for remembering the name "Selma Blair". She is so good!
I think I may be starting to feel better now. For real???
I just love my immune system. Saves my alcoholic ass every time.
Monday, April 22, 2002
So...random disgusting moment of the day...
I typed in www.blogger.com in the address box of Internet Explorer. Unfortunately for me, I forgot the period and typed wwwblogger.com instead. What popped up was the most horrifying thing I have ever seen. It was an abortion site. I couldn't believe the main page and quickly tried to cancel out of it. When I typed in www.blogger.com in the address box of the abortion webpage, another abortion page popped up and there was a picture of a black baby that was aborted and tossed in the dumpster. It's arms, legs, and body were chopped off and the top of the skull was fully disconnected and smashed. I about threw up and burst into tears. OMIGOD.
I suggest you do NOT forget the period in your web addresses folks. What may pop up will scare you for the rest of your life.
SO!
In other news...well, i guess there isn't any real other news. I was going to just wax-philosophic in here, but instead, i sit here trying desperately to get the image of little black babies murdered out of my head. DAMN that shit was sick.
I got a couple slices of pizza for dinner. Imagining tonight to be a very low key, lay in bed kind of evening. I got some shit to do and luckily feel so much better. Otherwise, no shit would get done. Honestly, I can't guarantee that shit will get done anyway.
Rita was just washing her face and accidently sucked a drop of soap into her nose. Then she went to blow out the soap drop and a huge bubble emerged from her nose. HAHAHAHAHA. I just wish I was in the bathroom to see it. Alright dawgs....that is going to be it for today. HOW EXCITING was my blogger today? On a scale of 1-10, I would probably give it a 2.5
and the only reason it gets that good of a rating, is cuz of aborted black babies and random soap bubbles.
The end.
I typed in www.blogger.com in the address box of Internet Explorer. Unfortunately for me, I forgot the period and typed wwwblogger.com instead. What popped up was the most horrifying thing I have ever seen. It was an abortion site. I couldn't believe the main page and quickly tried to cancel out of it. When I typed in www.blogger.com in the address box of the abortion webpage, another abortion page popped up and there was a picture of a black baby that was aborted and tossed in the dumpster. It's arms, legs, and body were chopped off and the top of the skull was fully disconnected and smashed. I about threw up and burst into tears. OMIGOD.
I suggest you do NOT forget the period in your web addresses folks. What may pop up will scare you for the rest of your life.
SO!
In other news...well, i guess there isn't any real other news. I was going to just wax-philosophic in here, but instead, i sit here trying desperately to get the image of little black babies murdered out of my head. DAMN that shit was sick.
I got a couple slices of pizza for dinner. Imagining tonight to be a very low key, lay in bed kind of evening. I got some shit to do and luckily feel so much better. Otherwise, no shit would get done. Honestly, I can't guarantee that shit will get done anyway.
Rita was just washing her face and accidently sucked a drop of soap into her nose. Then she went to blow out the soap drop and a huge bubble emerged from her nose. HAHAHAHAHA. I just wish I was in the bathroom to see it. Alright dawgs....that is going to be it for today. HOW EXCITING was my blogger today? On a scale of 1-10, I would probably give it a 2.5
and the only reason it gets that good of a rating, is cuz of aborted black babies and random soap bubbles.
The end.
Shit day. The weather is not fun. Everyone I know is either stuffed up or walking around with an excruciating sinus headache. I woke up today and felt like my head was in a vice. I came in about 2 hours late. I just needed that extra sleep. And it truly helped. The idea of staying home all day was blasting in my head, but since I will probably take off Friday, I had to try to drag my ass into the building today. I am glad I came. Makes it easier to bail later in the week.
What else what else? I had such an incredible weekend. My parents came in to town on Saturday. My granny came with them to see my apartment and to catch a mid-afternoon viewing of The Producers on Broadway. I was dreading seeing the show and then was unexpectedly suprised to find out that the show is just about the best. There actually IS a reason why this show won almost all the Tony's this year. It is done in traditional musical style, but the humor is never ending, cutting edge, and totally hysterical. The play focuses on gay/Jewish themes. Not Gay-Jewish. But Gay and Jewish. Man. It was just so impressive. It is so hard to explain. But if you miss this show...you are missing a great one!
Saturday night I hung out with Penelope until like 1am. Then I went home and hung out with Kelly until about 3am. Then Angie came over and I hung out with her until about 6am. It was a great night, but damn...who was I kidding? I was up for almost 24 hours on Saturday. It's great to have those nights once in awhile.
There is a really hot student in the office today. He isn't really my type, but I can't stop sweating him.
Tomorrow is Angie's birthday. We will be taking her out to dinner and unfortunately, her roommate fuck face will have to be present. I just have to suck it up and be as nice as I can. I just hope he acts normal and not like a little prissy bitch. Eh. He will be a bitch. But it will be tolerable.
Paul will be coming into town on Thursday and staying until Saturday morning. FINALLY! It seems like it has been such a long stretch since the last visit. Just about 4 weeks. We have gone longer, but this time...we have barely talked. I hate when that happens. Whenever we go through these stints, seeing eachther again, after such a long time, is fucking weird. It's like we don't even know eachother anymore. So, I am excited, but also anxious as well.
My mom was amazing this weekend. Just want to say again how much she and my dad mean to me. I couldn't ask for a better family. I really wished they lived just a bit closer so that I could see them more. :(
Penelope is home with a horrible neck ache. She came in this morning, but she pulled something. Poor thing. I don't think there is much worse than having a neck problem. One time, when I was in 7th grade, I got a stiff neck from sleeping wrong. The entire left side of my neck was rock solid and crooked for about 2 weeks. It was the worst pain. And I looked like I needed a V-8! Remember those commercials? Well, it was exactly what I looked like. So poor P. She is home and in pain. :(
Fucking can't wait to leave work today. Every time the phone rings, I consider answering it fuck off. That prolly wouldn't go over too well.
I saw the movie K-PAX last night. If you are looking for a shit movie, with a shit concept, and shit shock value...go rent this right away. Kevin Spacey was fine in it. Nothing special. But even he couldn't have pulled off such a weak film. Why did he do it anyway?
Alright...Talk soon folks!
What else what else? I had such an incredible weekend. My parents came in to town on Saturday. My granny came with them to see my apartment and to catch a mid-afternoon viewing of The Producers on Broadway. I was dreading seeing the show and then was unexpectedly suprised to find out that the show is just about the best. There actually IS a reason why this show won almost all the Tony's this year. It is done in traditional musical style, but the humor is never ending, cutting edge, and totally hysterical. The play focuses on gay/Jewish themes. Not Gay-Jewish. But Gay and Jewish. Man. It was just so impressive. It is so hard to explain. But if you miss this show...you are missing a great one!
Saturday night I hung out with Penelope until like 1am. Then I went home and hung out with Kelly until about 3am. Then Angie came over and I hung out with her until about 6am. It was a great night, but damn...who was I kidding? I was up for almost 24 hours on Saturday. It's great to have those nights once in awhile.
There is a really hot student in the office today. He isn't really my type, but I can't stop sweating him.
Tomorrow is Angie's birthday. We will be taking her out to dinner and unfortunately, her roommate fuck face will have to be present. I just have to suck it up and be as nice as I can. I just hope he acts normal and not like a little prissy bitch. Eh. He will be a bitch. But it will be tolerable.
Paul will be coming into town on Thursday and staying until Saturday morning. FINALLY! It seems like it has been such a long stretch since the last visit. Just about 4 weeks. We have gone longer, but this time...we have barely talked. I hate when that happens. Whenever we go through these stints, seeing eachther again, after such a long time, is fucking weird. It's like we don't even know eachother anymore. So, I am excited, but also anxious as well.
My mom was amazing this weekend. Just want to say again how much she and my dad mean to me. I couldn't ask for a better family. I really wished they lived just a bit closer so that I could see them more. :(
Penelope is home with a horrible neck ache. She came in this morning, but she pulled something. Poor thing. I don't think there is much worse than having a neck problem. One time, when I was in 7th grade, I got a stiff neck from sleeping wrong. The entire left side of my neck was rock solid and crooked for about 2 weeks. It was the worst pain. And I looked like I needed a V-8! Remember those commercials? Well, it was exactly what I looked like. So poor P. She is home and in pain. :(
Fucking can't wait to leave work today. Every time the phone rings, I consider answering it fuck off. That prolly wouldn't go over too well.
I saw the movie K-PAX last night. If you are looking for a shit movie, with a shit concept, and shit shock value...go rent this right away. Kevin Spacey was fine in it. Nothing special. But even he couldn't have pulled off such a weak film. Why did he do it anyway?
Alright...Talk soon folks!
Which John Cusack Are You?
To be honest, the only John Cusack I would prefer to be would be a dead one.
Thursday, April 18, 2002
So I just took the test. (insert humiliated face here)
I am losing my skills. I thought the test was pretty easy...HOWEVER...it had the exact words on it that I have the hardest time spelling. I am good with most words. Even if I have never heard it...but you give me some of the age old common words and I will fuck it up consistently. The other day Rita says to me: "Joe, spell the word discusting". I immediately burst out laughing, cuz discusting is one of those words that I believe I know how to spell, but also believe that I get it wrong every time. I have been spelling it wrong for years. Discusting is actually spelled DisGusting. Hmmm.
I am not good with the "definitely's", the "absolutely's", the "ly's" that may or may not have that "e" before it.
But either way...I won my 5th grade spelling bee. And I moved to the next round. It is one of my best personal stories. Remind me to tell you sometime. One funny part of the story is...when I won the 5th grade bee...my parents got me a present. Anything that I wanted. Of course I got the dinner of my life and a movie or something. But the one thing I WANTED was "The Babysitter's Club issue 9, I think. It was called Dawn and the Haunted House. And my parents didn't know that I was from homo-city.
So imagine my suprise when I took the spelling test and this is what I saw:
Not bad.
But you probably won't win the big spelling bee. You got 10/15 correct.
I got some brushing up to do before our big home spelling bee!
I am losing my skills. I thought the test was pretty easy...HOWEVER...it had the exact words on it that I have the hardest time spelling. I am good with most words. Even if I have never heard it...but you give me some of the age old common words and I will fuck it up consistently. The other day Rita says to me: "Joe, spell the word discusting". I immediately burst out laughing, cuz discusting is one of those words that I believe I know how to spell, but also believe that I get it wrong every time. I have been spelling it wrong for years. Discusting is actually spelled DisGusting. Hmmm.
I am not good with the "definitely's", the "absolutely's", the "ly's" that may or may not have that "e" before it.
But either way...I won my 5th grade spelling bee. And I moved to the next round. It is one of my best personal stories. Remind me to tell you sometime. One funny part of the story is...when I won the 5th grade bee...my parents got me a present. Anything that I wanted. Of course I got the dinner of my life and a movie or something. But the one thing I WANTED was "The Babysitter's Club issue 9, I think. It was called Dawn and the Haunted House. And my parents didn't know that I was from homo-city.
So imagine my suprise when I took the spelling test and this is what I saw:
Not bad.
But you probably won't win the big spelling bee. You got 10/15 correct.
I got some brushing up to do before our big home spelling bee!
As you may know...or some of you may not know...I am obsessed with grammar. But I get a boner over spelling and learning the meaning of new words. So to my delight...on MSN today there was this link: http://encarta.msn.com/quiz/quiz.asp?quizid=36
If you don't feel like copy/pasting, go to my links section and click it there. I am about to go test myself, but I wanted to come here first to share it with my little spelling students. Let's have a spelling bee one day! That would be just about the most fun!
If you don't feel like copy/pasting, go to my links section and click it there. I am about to go test myself, but I wanted to come here first to share it with my little spelling students. Let's have a spelling bee one day! That would be just about the most fun!
So here I sit. I am blaring Vanessa Carlton and Stevie Wonder at the highest level of volume and screaming along with the lyrics.
Rita and Kelly are having drinks at Jake's Dilemma. What an interesting name for a bar. Cuz what IS Jake's Dilemma? I suppose alcoholism.
At this moment Mary J. is singing about that drama in her life. But she says "No more!" Hope she was able to really leave it behind.
like I give a fuck.
Mary J. seems like a really troubled person. Like she has had her fill of garbage. I have this respect for her and I don't even know that much about her. She seems tough, but she seems scarred to me. Maybe she carries her hurt with her as a reminder. She does say "another lesson learned". What a classy lady.
I was so exhausted today at work. I went into some weird blur at one point...I wasn't tired necessarily (even though I only got about 4 hours of sleep), my body was just done. I have been exercising (am I serious about that spelling)(wait...is it right?)(I am going fucking crazy) heavily lately and my legs are so sore. Each step is excruciating. But I know it is worth it and I have to keep it up.
So Jessica will NOT be visiting this weekend. What a trial this was! It is such a long story and I really don't have the energy in me to get into it. She will most likely be coming next weekend. Much better idea. MUCH.
What this means though is definitely no trip to Boston next weekend. I guess that is for the best. Makes my stomach hurt when I even think about Paul at this point.
Alright...must sign off. Too mellow for this bloggle tonight.
Rita and Kelly are having drinks at Jake's Dilemma. What an interesting name for a bar. Cuz what IS Jake's Dilemma? I suppose alcoholism.
At this moment Mary J. is singing about that drama in her life. But she says "No more!" Hope she was able to really leave it behind.
like I give a fuck.
Mary J. seems like a really troubled person. Like she has had her fill of garbage. I have this respect for her and I don't even know that much about her. She seems tough, but she seems scarred to me. Maybe she carries her hurt with her as a reminder. She does say "another lesson learned". What a classy lady.
I was so exhausted today at work. I went into some weird blur at one point...I wasn't tired necessarily (even though I only got about 4 hours of sleep), my body was just done. I have been exercising (am I serious about that spelling)(wait...is it right?)(I am going fucking crazy) heavily lately and my legs are so sore. Each step is excruciating. But I know it is worth it and I have to keep it up.
So Jessica will NOT be visiting this weekend. What a trial this was! It is such a long story and I really don't have the energy in me to get into it. She will most likely be coming next weekend. Much better idea. MUCH.
What this means though is definitely no trip to Boston next weekend. I guess that is for the best. Makes my stomach hurt when I even think about Paul at this point.
Alright...must sign off. Too mellow for this bloggle tonight.
Wednesday, April 17, 2002
WHAT UP???
Ironically, it is 10:50pm and I just walked in the door from Penelope's house. Um?
I used to go over there and spend like 2 hours and bolt and now I just can't leave. We had an awesome time. We played the ever so popular "question game" and we laughed, smoked, drank, whatever. It is very rare that I think I overstay my welcome. If I run into a situation where I want to stay, but feel I should leave, I will ask over and over "I should go. Right?". But Penelope seemed to enjoy me staying so I did. In fact, when her brother Ethan started dying of hunger, I felt like she still wanted me to stay. We just had so much fun. It was chill. It was cool. It was exactly what I needed today. I had a good time. Scratch that. I had a wonderful time.
Bitch need to get an air conditioner though. SO KIDDING! Kelly and I lived in a no air conditioner house during the worst weeks of the summer and we felt awful when visitors came. But to be honest...fuck the visitors...who cares what they think! You got to LIVE in that sauna. Who gives a shit what visitors feel when they come down...they get to go home later!
So yeah... I had such an amazing time. We talked about movies, actors/actresses, Dawson's Creek, V, damn...I went over there feeling like shit. Cuz I HADN'T shit all day...and then I dumped the minute I got there and life just got better.
Did I really just say that?
Did I really just say "And then I dumped the minute I got there"? Someone remind me that I am gay and that I have more class than that.
I thought that I might run into Kelly tonight. She was supposed to be home around 11pm and it is about that time now. I figured she would shit herself if she saw me up and milling about at the wee hours of the morning. (10:30pm)
So...big weekend coming up. Jessica will be here on Friday. I am excited and curious at the same time. We have never had Ryan AND Jessica for a visit since we moved to NYC. Never has happened. It is going to be interesting. Kelly doesn't know Ryan very well...and Penelope don't know either of them at all...but they will both see how Creepsville this whole situation is. Ryan is hard to explain. He gives you the creeps, but you can't EXACTLY pin point why. He will hit on you, cuz that is just his way. Don't matter if you are gay or straight, black or blue, Jewish or Hindu, the kid will make you feel as though when he says: "How are you?", you hear: "May I eat your cunt?". It's all very bizarre, but it will ring true if you meet him.
Side note...
The cab I took home smelled like curry diarehea. I don't remember how to spell diarehhea. It really smelled like that. BADLY. Then at some points, I smelled an exceptional amount of fart mixed in with the curry.
My Deduction-----
This cab driver ate a curry dinner at the beginning of his shift. When I jumped in, he was at the brink of bursting into horrible bouts of cramps and intestinal chaos. I smelled his dinner and his aftermath in the air...and I was horrified.
The worst part about it....
I sit here typing and smell it on my clothes.
DO I HAVE TO TAKE A FUCKING SHOWER NOW? Bullshit!
man i stink.
So, Jessica coming is a big event. She is a great visitor. We will laugh, we will talk, and it will remind Rita and I of the old days. And I think we are due. The exceptionally strange part of it is that Jessica never mentioned calling Stacey while she was here. I guess that friendship is done.
I just heard the door slam. Is Kelly home????
I think so...
I wait in anticipation to shock the shit out of her that I am awake still.....
Waiting.....
waiting..................
still think I might hear her........
Nope, I don't think it is her.
Anyhoodle...I wonder if anyone will go this far down in today's entry and read all this. Once you get past the first scrolldown, I find that people give up on you. That's ok. Cuz deepdown, writing in this journal gives me this crazy sense of purpose. It's like a project and even when I don't want to do it, I do. I feel like I should commit to it or nothing. I am sure, someday soon, I will lose it. And once I lose it, it's done. Somewhat like what Rita did. Except that I will leave my page up to represent the legacy that was Joe CuttheShit. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
yeah.
So Edward is coming to visit in May. UM?!?!?!? Motha fuckers....please sit me down before his visit and ask me how important it is that his and my time go well.
Edward is my unrequited love. I loved. He was straight. But we made out. We slept in the same bed together, me holding him in my arms. He is first and foremost a friend. But...he is the only guy that I have ever questioned Paul for. There was Ian...but that was flingish. Stupid sex. And not worth it by any means. Edward...he is someone I fell for. Someone, that in SOME ways, I obsessed over. Why? He is not my type. He is straight and he is exactly what I am NOT looking for in a future "husband".
There are two people in my life that I will always wonder about....or at least at this point in my life always wonder about...
Edward is one...and there is another. The other is even more dangerous. It is somebody that, if it worked, would change the entire person I call Joe CuttheShit.
But Edward is someone that I always wonder about a lot more frequently. One time, Rita and I went to this psychic. It could have been better, but we all found ourselves finding out something that has stuck with us forever. Or at least I did. The psychic said that, since I was a Cancer and I love hard, I will have three major loves in my life. Oh...and that I will be successful in my chosen career. But don't those bitches always say that?
So three loves....
The first love, I question,....in my mind, it was always BJ. I thought he was the guy that I would spend the rest of my life with. There was nothing that could ever change the bond that he and I had. It was the first all consuming love experience that I have ever had. And now...we don't speak at all.
And it wasn't a relationship by any justifiable terms. So was he my first? I think probably. I fell for him hard. So it counts, right?
Paul is the second. Paul, like BJ, is NOTHING that I EVER thought I would fall for. But I did. And once again, hard. But different hard. So different. I remember Kelly and I sitting in the parking lot of the Guilderland Library and me sobbing to her that I needed him. That something inside of me needed to be with HIM. Kelly, having experienced me not like any guy I dated, and always breaking up with EVERYONE, was the person who gave me my geared me towards a relationship with Paul. We changed our weekend plans of going to NYC that weekend and ended up going back to Boston so that I could figure things out with Paul. Man. She has done some incredible things for me. Things that no one has ever done. She has EARNED a place in my heart that could never and WILL never be forgotten or filled. Kelly believes in me and always has. She brought me to Paul, thus bringing in my second love.
SO! LONG TANGENT short....or still kind of long...do I have a third left? Is Paul my life partner? Is he my final man? I feel like it could work itself out so that the answer is yes, but....I still feel something missing.
Will my third combine body AND soul? Not so much body, but a physical something that I would die for? I feel like that is one of the biggest things holding Paul and I back. I just don't get as excited over him as I want to be. SUPRISE FOLKS! I am not a virgin just because I am trying to make it special....he won't let go completely with me. THAT holds up back from crossing over into the anal.
WOW.
So...there is all this shit. I find myself dwelling and dwelling unecessarily about it 300 times a day. I try not to overdue it with my close peeps, cuz who wants to hear that shit all the time? But some days are definitely harder than others. Last week, life was fucking grand and all things seemed hunky dory. (I fucking hate hunky dory as a saying) But this week...all REALLY GREAT...but the Paul problems are becoming increasingly harder to bear. I said last week that he and I haved moved to another level. We have. But now there are different problems to face. And above it all...I just keep loving him more. It is so scary not to be able to just stop it. I am so used to playing the game and getting what I want. I always get what I want. :(
But when it counts, when it is Paul and my whole relationship, I don't get anything that I want. It is a lesson I have to learn and live with every day. I HATE LONG DISTANCE to begin with. I always told myself "NO!. That could never work." And her I am. Having it work, but having it be the hardest thing that I have ever done in my entire life. Paul and I spent 6 months living in the same area. 6 FUCKING MONTHS! That's it! We have been together 2 years and 3 months. And we are still kicking. I try to be proud. But I have never known a whole week, a full 7 days, of the feeling "I have a boyfriend that I love." I have had long weekends. I have had 6 days in a row. Once or twice before. But I don't know what it is like to get sick of my boyfriend. I don't know what it is like to want him "to go out with his friends and me go out with my friends". It chokes me up. I had much higher expectations for this. And after 2 years, the arguement is still:"When are you going to move near me?"
Deep down I truly want him to do what he wants. I respect every decision he makes because I truly respect him. Paul is someone that I look up to and want to be. He is my perfect balance. He is good at things that I am bad at and vice versa. We fit like a puzzle.
Because I believe this so truly that I have stayed with him this long, I really wonder what it would be like for us to be together full time. Would it work? Could it work? Are we a REAL couple? Or are we just a fantasy that we have been trying so desparately to live? If he actually moved here, would I still love him just the same? Gosh. The question that breaks my head open. I just don't know. I don't push him into moving. I whine, like a bitch sometimes, but I don't put any pressure on him. Maybe I have a couple times...but it hasn't been an issue anyway. But deep down...I am dying. If Mariah moves and he has a bad roommate, I can't go visit. Especially if he has to work one of the nights. And if he visits me and Mariah in NYC at the same time...I can't handle that. It will really hurt. I will never make it a problem, but it will crush me.
So all of this...and you know what???
fucking enough.
This has been a wonderfully introspective evening. The weather makes me so happy I want to cry. Thank G-d for Penelope. (Look...I left out the "O" for you so that you wouldn't have to bury this entry.)
I hope everyone feels good.
Peayce.
Ironically, it is 10:50pm and I just walked in the door from Penelope's house. Um?
I used to go over there and spend like 2 hours and bolt and now I just can't leave. We had an awesome time. We played the ever so popular "question game" and we laughed, smoked, drank, whatever. It is very rare that I think I overstay my welcome. If I run into a situation where I want to stay, but feel I should leave, I will ask over and over "I should go. Right?". But Penelope seemed to enjoy me staying so I did. In fact, when her brother Ethan started dying of hunger, I felt like she still wanted me to stay. We just had so much fun. It was chill. It was cool. It was exactly what I needed today. I had a good time. Scratch that. I had a wonderful time.
Bitch need to get an air conditioner though. SO KIDDING! Kelly and I lived in a no air conditioner house during the worst weeks of the summer and we felt awful when visitors came. But to be honest...fuck the visitors...who cares what they think! You got to LIVE in that sauna. Who gives a shit what visitors feel when they come down...they get to go home later!
So yeah... I had such an amazing time. We talked about movies, actors/actresses, Dawson's Creek, V, damn...I went over there feeling like shit. Cuz I HADN'T shit all day...and then I dumped the minute I got there and life just got better.
Did I really just say that?
Did I really just say "And then I dumped the minute I got there"? Someone remind me that I am gay and that I have more class than that.
I thought that I might run into Kelly tonight. She was supposed to be home around 11pm and it is about that time now. I figured she would shit herself if she saw me up and milling about at the wee hours of the morning. (10:30pm)
So...big weekend coming up. Jessica will be here on Friday. I am excited and curious at the same time. We have never had Ryan AND Jessica for a visit since we moved to NYC. Never has happened. It is going to be interesting. Kelly doesn't know Ryan very well...and Penelope don't know either of them at all...but they will both see how Creepsville this whole situation is. Ryan is hard to explain. He gives you the creeps, but you can't EXACTLY pin point why. He will hit on you, cuz that is just his way. Don't matter if you are gay or straight, black or blue, Jewish or Hindu, the kid will make you feel as though when he says: "How are you?", you hear: "May I eat your cunt?". It's all very bizarre, but it will ring true if you meet him.
Side note...
The cab I took home smelled like curry diarehea. I don't remember how to spell diarehhea. It really smelled like that. BADLY. Then at some points, I smelled an exceptional amount of fart mixed in with the curry.
My Deduction-----
This cab driver ate a curry dinner at the beginning of his shift. When I jumped in, he was at the brink of bursting into horrible bouts of cramps and intestinal chaos. I smelled his dinner and his aftermath in the air...and I was horrified.
The worst part about it....
I sit here typing and smell it on my clothes.
DO I HAVE TO TAKE A FUCKING SHOWER NOW? Bullshit!
man i stink.
So, Jessica coming is a big event. She is a great visitor. We will laugh, we will talk, and it will remind Rita and I of the old days. And I think we are due. The exceptionally strange part of it is that Jessica never mentioned calling Stacey while she was here. I guess that friendship is done.
I just heard the door slam. Is Kelly home????
I think so...
I wait in anticipation to shock the shit out of her that I am awake still.....
Waiting.....
waiting..................
still think I might hear her........
Nope, I don't think it is her.
Anyhoodle...I wonder if anyone will go this far down in today's entry and read all this. Once you get past the first scrolldown, I find that people give up on you. That's ok. Cuz deepdown, writing in this journal gives me this crazy sense of purpose. It's like a project and even when I don't want to do it, I do. I feel like I should commit to it or nothing. I am sure, someday soon, I will lose it. And once I lose it, it's done. Somewhat like what Rita did. Except that I will leave my page up to represent the legacy that was Joe CuttheShit. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
yeah.
So Edward is coming to visit in May. UM?!?!?!? Motha fuckers....please sit me down before his visit and ask me how important it is that his and my time go well.
Edward is my unrequited love. I loved. He was straight. But we made out. We slept in the same bed together, me holding him in my arms. He is first and foremost a friend. But...he is the only guy that I have ever questioned Paul for. There was Ian...but that was flingish. Stupid sex. And not worth it by any means. Edward...he is someone I fell for. Someone, that in SOME ways, I obsessed over. Why? He is not my type. He is straight and he is exactly what I am NOT looking for in a future "husband".
There are two people in my life that I will always wonder about....or at least at this point in my life always wonder about...
Edward is one...and there is another. The other is even more dangerous. It is somebody that, if it worked, would change the entire person I call Joe CuttheShit.
But Edward is someone that I always wonder about a lot more frequently. One time, Rita and I went to this psychic. It could have been better, but we all found ourselves finding out something that has stuck with us forever. Or at least I did. The psychic said that, since I was a Cancer and I love hard, I will have three major loves in my life. Oh...and that I will be successful in my chosen career. But don't those bitches always say that?
So three loves....
The first love, I question,....in my mind, it was always BJ. I thought he was the guy that I would spend the rest of my life with. There was nothing that could ever change the bond that he and I had. It was the first all consuming love experience that I have ever had. And now...we don't speak at all.
And it wasn't a relationship by any justifiable terms. So was he my first? I think probably. I fell for him hard. So it counts, right?
Paul is the second. Paul, like BJ, is NOTHING that I EVER thought I would fall for. But I did. And once again, hard. But different hard. So different. I remember Kelly and I sitting in the parking lot of the Guilderland Library and me sobbing to her that I needed him. That something inside of me needed to be with HIM. Kelly, having experienced me not like any guy I dated, and always breaking up with EVERYONE, was the person who gave me my geared me towards a relationship with Paul. We changed our weekend plans of going to NYC that weekend and ended up going back to Boston so that I could figure things out with Paul. Man. She has done some incredible things for me. Things that no one has ever done. She has EARNED a place in my heart that could never and WILL never be forgotten or filled. Kelly believes in me and always has. She brought me to Paul, thus bringing in my second love.
SO! LONG TANGENT short....or still kind of long...do I have a third left? Is Paul my life partner? Is he my final man? I feel like it could work itself out so that the answer is yes, but....I still feel something missing.
Will my third combine body AND soul? Not so much body, but a physical something that I would die for? I feel like that is one of the biggest things holding Paul and I back. I just don't get as excited over him as I want to be. SUPRISE FOLKS! I am not a virgin just because I am trying to make it special....he won't let go completely with me. THAT holds up back from crossing over into the anal.
WOW.
So...there is all this shit. I find myself dwelling and dwelling unecessarily about it 300 times a day. I try not to overdue it with my close peeps, cuz who wants to hear that shit all the time? But some days are definitely harder than others. Last week, life was fucking grand and all things seemed hunky dory. (I fucking hate hunky dory as a saying) But this week...all REALLY GREAT...but the Paul problems are becoming increasingly harder to bear. I said last week that he and I haved moved to another level. We have. But now there are different problems to face. And above it all...I just keep loving him more. It is so scary not to be able to just stop it. I am so used to playing the game and getting what I want. I always get what I want. :(
But when it counts, when it is Paul and my whole relationship, I don't get anything that I want. It is a lesson I have to learn and live with every day. I HATE LONG DISTANCE to begin with. I always told myself "NO!. That could never work." And her I am. Having it work, but having it be the hardest thing that I have ever done in my entire life. Paul and I spent 6 months living in the same area. 6 FUCKING MONTHS! That's it! We have been together 2 years and 3 months. And we are still kicking. I try to be proud. But I have never known a whole week, a full 7 days, of the feeling "I have a boyfriend that I love." I have had long weekends. I have had 6 days in a row. Once or twice before. But I don't know what it is like to get sick of my boyfriend. I don't know what it is like to want him "to go out with his friends and me go out with my friends". It chokes me up. I had much higher expectations for this. And after 2 years, the arguement is still:"When are you going to move near me?"
Deep down I truly want him to do what he wants. I respect every decision he makes because I truly respect him. Paul is someone that I look up to and want to be. He is my perfect balance. He is good at things that I am bad at and vice versa. We fit like a puzzle.
Because I believe this so truly that I have stayed with him this long, I really wonder what it would be like for us to be together full time. Would it work? Could it work? Are we a REAL couple? Or are we just a fantasy that we have been trying so desparately to live? If he actually moved here, would I still love him just the same? Gosh. The question that breaks my head open. I just don't know. I don't push him into moving. I whine, like a bitch sometimes, but I don't put any pressure on him. Maybe I have a couple times...but it hasn't been an issue anyway. But deep down...I am dying. If Mariah moves and he has a bad roommate, I can't go visit. Especially if he has to work one of the nights. And if he visits me and Mariah in NYC at the same time...I can't handle that. It will really hurt. I will never make it a problem, but it will crush me.
So all of this...and you know what???
fucking enough.
This has been a wonderfully introspective evening. The weather makes me so happy I want to cry. Thank G-d for Penelope. (Look...I left out the "O" for you so that you wouldn't have to bury this entry.)
I hope everyone feels good.
Peayce.
Adios!
So full of poop right now! I can't go. I need to go. Can someone come over and press my on my stomach so that I can go? Going would be good. I would do anything to go. HELP ME HELP MYSELF GO!
I cant wait to leave!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
11 minutes until I go home!
12 minutes until I get to go home!
THEY HAVE A QUIZ FOR THIS SHIT?????
LOL...I can't believe it!
LOL...I can't believe it!
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| You are not very reliable but people like you anyway because you are so easygoing and fun to be with. And cute, too. Which Blogging Tool Are You? |
Hello folks! Today is so warm and beautiful! I LVOE it so much! Unfortunately, the sun has gone behind the clouds and now I don't think I am going to get much color today. Fuck! I was really looking forward to baking my skin to death.
I spoke with Mariah today. YAY! It was a great talk. She is hastily making preparations to move here June 1! Oh man...I can't WAIT to see her on a regular basis. She said some interesting things, but the most important thing she said was:
"Paul is looking for a new roommate". He has posted his ad on the internet and has really only heard back from these two scary Asian boys. And as we all know...Asians eat their own puke. He doesn't want to live with either of these guys, so he is still on the hunt. Also, Mariah told me that if Paul doesn't find a roommate in time, he is going to have to move. Maybe even to Alston, Massachussettes. Now, for those of you who don't know Boston very well, Alston is about 20 minutes from the HEART of the city. It is where Kelly and I lived when we first moved there. It's a fine area, but right now he lives in one of the best and most expensive parts of the whole city. Moving to Alston from Downtown Boston is like living in Manhattan and then moving to Queens. It sucks!
I said to her: "If Paul is going to move to Alston, why wouldn't he just move to NYC?" I know he loves Boston, but the thing he loves the most is his apartment. I can't make an arguement good enough for him to move out of his current apartment, but I could DEFINITELY make quite an arguement for him to move out of Alston.
I hate this shit. Why won't the kid just fucking move already??? What does he have there??? NOTHING!
It is the most frustrating and annoying thing that he and I deal with.
He called me at work, shortly after I got off the phone with Mariah. I was very brisk with him, as I have been for the past two weeks. NOTE TO BOYFRIEND----I won't be brisk with you if you ever picked up the fucking phone and called me! Douchebag.
We spoke for 35 seconds and then I said "Gotta go back to work". He was noticably upset, but whatever. As soon as I got off the phone with him, I sent him the following text message over his phone:
"Sorry if I was quick on the phone. You need to call me soon. We have a few things we need to discuss."
Of course it is now over an hour later and regardless of the curiousity he must have, it hasn't pushed him into calling me back.
Fine.
Next weekend, Mariah is coming to NYC! ROCK! I will have to talk to her again to understand who she is coming to visit, the details, etc. I think she may be spending the whole weekend with her friend Rachel. They have MASSIVE amounts of work to do to prepare for Mariah's big move. So I don't know if we will even get a chance to spend much time with her. :(
I am fighting the urge I have to go to Boston next weekend. It's just that no matter how frustrated and upset I get with Paul, I still want to be with him and to hold him. ARGH! So I don't know what to do. I don't want to go to Boston if Mariah is here in NYC...cuz that would be just ridiculous! Man...who knows what the hell is going on these days.
Rita and I just ran upstairs to sample some food that was leftover from this meeting. The food was DIS-FUCKING-GUSTING!
I did steal a soda to bring home though. And it is a STEWARTS BRAND SODA! Memble STEWARTS KELLY? I just love those folks over there. They make some damn good soda and ice cream too. Back in Albany, there is a Stewarts on every corner. They are always brown and in the shape of a little house. However, the one right by my house in Albany is white and shaped like a peanut.
Ok...not a peanut...but not a little house either.
On lunch today, I am going to fight for a woman's right to fight in combat and also for her right to kill her babies. That way I can be the best feminist around. Really...whatever I can do to improve my score.
Die babies. Die.
Ever had to shit so bad you could taste it?
Ever had to shit so bad you could taste it, but then nothing will come out?
I hate it. That is how I feel right now.
Maybe I should go try to "Push" for awhile.
Peayce.
I spoke with Mariah today. YAY! It was a great talk. She is hastily making preparations to move here June 1! Oh man...I can't WAIT to see her on a regular basis. She said some interesting things, but the most important thing she said was:
"Paul is looking for a new roommate". He has posted his ad on the internet and has really only heard back from these two scary Asian boys. And as we all know...Asians eat their own puke. He doesn't want to live with either of these guys, so he is still on the hunt. Also, Mariah told me that if Paul doesn't find a roommate in time, he is going to have to move. Maybe even to Alston, Massachussettes. Now, for those of you who don't know Boston very well, Alston is about 20 minutes from the HEART of the city. It is where Kelly and I lived when we first moved there. It's a fine area, but right now he lives in one of the best and most expensive parts of the whole city. Moving to Alston from Downtown Boston is like living in Manhattan and then moving to Queens. It sucks!
I said to her: "If Paul is going to move to Alston, why wouldn't he just move to NYC?" I know he loves Boston, but the thing he loves the most is his apartment. I can't make an arguement good enough for him to move out of his current apartment, but I could DEFINITELY make quite an arguement for him to move out of Alston.
I hate this shit. Why won't the kid just fucking move already??? What does he have there??? NOTHING!
It is the most frustrating and annoying thing that he and I deal with.
He called me at work, shortly after I got off the phone with Mariah. I was very brisk with him, as I have been for the past two weeks. NOTE TO BOYFRIEND----I won't be brisk with you if you ever picked up the fucking phone and called me! Douchebag.
We spoke for 35 seconds and then I said "Gotta go back to work". He was noticably upset, but whatever. As soon as I got off the phone with him, I sent him the following text message over his phone:
"Sorry if I was quick on the phone. You need to call me soon. We have a few things we need to discuss."
Of course it is now over an hour later and regardless of the curiousity he must have, it hasn't pushed him into calling me back.
Fine.
Next weekend, Mariah is coming to NYC! ROCK! I will have to talk to her again to understand who she is coming to visit, the details, etc. I think she may be spending the whole weekend with her friend Rachel. They have MASSIVE amounts of work to do to prepare for Mariah's big move. So I don't know if we will even get a chance to spend much time with her. :(
I am fighting the urge I have to go to Boston next weekend. It's just that no matter how frustrated and upset I get with Paul, I still want to be with him and to hold him. ARGH! So I don't know what to do. I don't want to go to Boston if Mariah is here in NYC...cuz that would be just ridiculous! Man...who knows what the hell is going on these days.
Rita and I just ran upstairs to sample some food that was leftover from this meeting. The food was DIS-FUCKING-GUSTING!
I did steal a soda to bring home though. And it is a STEWARTS BRAND SODA! Memble STEWARTS KELLY? I just love those folks over there. They make some damn good soda and ice cream too. Back in Albany, there is a Stewarts on every corner. They are always brown and in the shape of a little house. However, the one right by my house in Albany is white and shaped like a peanut.
Ok...not a peanut...but not a little house either.
On lunch today, I am going to fight for a woman's right to fight in combat and also for her right to kill her babies. That way I can be the best feminist around. Really...whatever I can do to improve my score.
Die babies. Die.
Ever had to shit so bad you could taste it?
Ever had to shit so bad you could taste it, but then nothing will come out?
I hate it. That is how I feel right now.
Maybe I should go try to "Push" for awhile.
Peayce.
I'm getting there. I don't suck, but I've got a ways to go.
OMIGOD! Am I really 60% feminist??? Ridiculous. My gayness is overriding my otherwise perfectly understandable sense of masculinity.
Take the "What Kind of Southerner Are You?" Test!
Created by
MadShrubbery
I mean, obviously I am not from Virginia, but Rita sorta is...so maybe she has rubbed her red-nekkedness off on me.
Ewe.
Tuesday, April 16, 2002
I just wanted to take a moment and tell both of my girls that I love you so much. My heart explodes with happiness and COMFORTABILITY when I think about how blessed I am to have you both in my life.
You have been and will always be my true loves.
Thank you.
You have been and will always be my true loves.
Thank you.
I have two major goals for this summer.
The first is to obtain, through whatever means necessary, a flat stomach. It is imperative that this happens. I can't believe that it is already April 16th. What have I been doing??? Shoving my face with everything I can get my hands on???
Oh yeah. That is exactly what I have been doing.
The second goal is to get a WICKED tan this summer. Darker the better. I have started tanning and now with the beautiful weather, I will be at the park soaking in the rays every single day. I want to be African American. Black, if you will. Last summer, I kind of gave up on the whole "looking good" thing. This summer...I MUST make up for lost time.
I guess I have a third goal...but this goal only happens if I accomplish goals one and two. I would LOVE to go to a beach this summer. I haven't been to a beach since like high school. I don't go to pools, the ocean, the lake, or even a pond. I will NOT be going to any sort of beach-esque place unless I have a flat stomach. Not necessarily a 6-pack stomach, although that is ideal. It simply has to be flat. All I want to do is go to a beach, so can I keep up with the damn sit-ups??? I just have to keep reminding myself how wonderful it will be to be a part of the beach community. CRUNCH CRUNCH CRUNCH. (This is me doing crunches at my desk. And if I really do get this flat stomach...I get to buy an actual bathing suit!!!! That is the best part. I know the exact kind of trunks that I want...I just need to look decent in them. I am hoping to have this all together by the beginning of July.
I should probably stop eating garbage one of these days too. That would help.
The first is to obtain, through whatever means necessary, a flat stomach. It is imperative that this happens. I can't believe that it is already April 16th. What have I been doing??? Shoving my face with everything I can get my hands on???
Oh yeah. That is exactly what I have been doing.
The second goal is to get a WICKED tan this summer. Darker the better. I have started tanning and now with the beautiful weather, I will be at the park soaking in the rays every single day. I want to be African American. Black, if you will. Last summer, I kind of gave up on the whole "looking good" thing. This summer...I MUST make up for lost time.
I guess I have a third goal...but this goal only happens if I accomplish goals one and two. I would LOVE to go to a beach this summer. I haven't been to a beach since like high school. I don't go to pools, the ocean, the lake, or even a pond. I will NOT be going to any sort of beach-esque place unless I have a flat stomach. Not necessarily a 6-pack stomach, although that is ideal. It simply has to be flat. All I want to do is go to a beach, so can I keep up with the damn sit-ups??? I just have to keep reminding myself how wonderful it will be to be a part of the beach community. CRUNCH CRUNCH CRUNCH. (This is me doing crunches at my desk. And if I really do get this flat stomach...I get to buy an actual bathing suit!!!! That is the best part. I know the exact kind of trunks that I want...I just need to look decent in them. I am hoping to have this all together by the beginning of July.
I should probably stop eating garbage one of these days too. That would help.
Two quick quizzes cuz they are funny and cool! Take them to find out what you are!
1)
Are you a ho? Find out @ She's Crafty
2)
Which My So-Called Life Character Are You? Find out @ She's Crafty
YAY! I am the HOT BOY!
1)
Are you a ho? Find out @ She's Crafty
2)
Which My So-Called Life Character Are You? Find out @ She's Crafty
YAY! I am the HOT BOY!
Blogger...this is your mother....blogger honey, I don't get your entries...
A little Rent to start the day...imagine if Rent had a song about Blogger? That would be the lamest thing on the planet.
WHAT UP?????????????
The weather outside is two things: Frightful and Delightful all at the same time. It feels good to have the sun shining down on my face. The only real downfall to this whole thing is that I stink. Actually the other downfall is that this weather is just the beginning. Soon it will be much hotter, much muggier, and much more stink will exude from my pits.
And tits.
But I LVOE it and the sun beaming this heavily on me makes me feel good inside. Good and toasty.
Roti Boti.
The "Roti Boti" is this little hole in the wall Indian (or some shit) restaurant near our house. They have skewers of meat and chicken by the dozens. It usually smells good there, but I don't know if we are fully allowed inside to eat. It is all cultural and shit. Rita promised me that she and I will go there at some point this summer to chow down on this ethnic, greasy, fried food. We want Kelly to come too, but she has to PROMISE to eat a skewer of beef. Hey, give the girl a nice full bodied glass of red wine, and she will eat the skewers by the pound. ROTI BOTI here we come!
Another night of not talking to Paul. Yeah, that makes me happy, especially since he had all last night off from work. I called him yesterday during the day and left a message, assuming that he would call me at some point last night....um......nope!
So anyway...
I just love elipses. I use them always.
I guess I don't really have much to say today. Maybe a little bit later.
A little Rent to start the day...imagine if Rent had a song about Blogger? That would be the lamest thing on the planet.
WHAT UP?????????????
The weather outside is two things: Frightful and Delightful all at the same time. It feels good to have the sun shining down on my face. The only real downfall to this whole thing is that I stink. Actually the other downfall is that this weather is just the beginning. Soon it will be much hotter, much muggier, and much more stink will exude from my pits.
And tits.
But I LVOE it and the sun beaming this heavily on me makes me feel good inside. Good and toasty.
Roti Boti.
The "Roti Boti" is this little hole in the wall Indian (or some shit) restaurant near our house. They have skewers of meat and chicken by the dozens. It usually smells good there, but I don't know if we are fully allowed inside to eat. It is all cultural and shit. Rita promised me that she and I will go there at some point this summer to chow down on this ethnic, greasy, fried food. We want Kelly to come too, but she has to PROMISE to eat a skewer of beef. Hey, give the girl a nice full bodied glass of red wine, and she will eat the skewers by the pound. ROTI BOTI here we come!
Another night of not talking to Paul. Yeah, that makes me happy, especially since he had all last night off from work. I called him yesterday during the day and left a message, assuming that he would call me at some point last night....um......nope!
So anyway...
I just love elipses. I use them always.
I guess I don't really have much to say today. Maybe a little bit later.
Monday, April 15, 2002
HERE IS THE DEAL WITH PAUL---
We got some new problems forming.....oh great~!
Things have been going SO well and I hate to say that we are facing some new dilemmas, but it is time to stop pretending like they aren't there....
Here is my story....
Mariah is moving to NYC by June 1st.
1) Because of this, Paul and Mariah have been spending a GREAT deal of time together. So much time in fact, that visits and phone calls to me have been kind of cast aside.
2) When Mariah moves here, Paul has told me that he will be visiting me and Mariah at the same time. Which means...he will spend one night with Me and one night with Mariah.
3) When I call to talk to Paul, it is Mariah this and Mariah that.....he is concerned about his time with her and wants to spend every last waking moment with her before she moves. :(
SO...here I sit. Dealing with these specific issues.
Now look...I love Paul. I love him so much it makes my heart explode with feelings of insecurity, he makes me sad, angry, and happy all at the same time. And usually all for the same reason.
(BTW...one of my boss's who doesn't drink, just walked in and was like: "Who had a drink at work today...I smell it."
UM! It was so me. But I lied...and now I chew gum for the rest of the shift)
So Paul...uggles. Here is my deal! Paul and I have been living long distance for about a year and a half now. I have been literally begging him to move since I moved and every time he just says simply: "No."
Now...see my point...I see Paul about once a month; if that...sometimes its more, but usually its less. I have been lucky over the last couple of months with frequent visits, both on his part and on mine. But it has never been enough...and by far...it has never been too much. If Mariah moves here...and Paul plans to visit both she and I during the same visit, that means one night for her and one night for me. NO FUCKING WAY!
I am not about to let my visits with Paul go to one day a month. It actually makes me really angry to think that I would have to sacrifice one of my two days in order for him to see her too. It's not fair. And by any means...it is NOT a relationship. The biggest problem I have had with Paul, since I moved to NYC, is that we don't get enough time together. He has never been one for the phone, so that kills any sort of phone relationship. He refuses to talk over the phone and really...the only honest words he says are when he and I are face to face.
He is breaking my heart. I am trying so hard to have a relationship with him, but now he is limiting it once again!
I want him to be best friends with Mariah. I want so badly for him to have a person that he can go to to discuss his frustrations, anger, everything. Mariah being this person is PERFECT because she is a good friend of mine as well and has the best, NEUTRAL perspective, on his and my relationship. She understands BOTH sides and can honestly give real advice.
HOWEVER...I can not and will not tolerate seeing him half the time I see him now.
Ok...stop!
I am not going to sit here and act like I am a hard ass; that I will break up with him if I don't have it my way. But it hurts. A lot. To think that he would even think this is normal to come and visit me and to spend half the time with her and not all the time with me. I get so few hours with him as it is. I never wanted a boyfriend that was long distance. NEVER. But unfortunately we don't get to plan these things. If you fall in love...you fall in love. :(
I am not going to break up with him. It is the farthest thing from my mind.
But I will be honest when I say that it hurts. A lot. To know that I am going to suffer more in this relationship when Mariah moves. If anything, I thought I would benefit from her moving, cuz then maybe he would too!
I thought wrong.
Paul is obsessed with Mariah. I can accept that. I am obsessed with my girls too. I do not sit on the phone and discuss them to the point of nausea like he does, but I do understand what it is like to feel an attachment to one of your girls. I live this every day...and not to one girl...to like 7.
I am sad about this. Is Paul really going to visit me once a month...spend one night with me and one night with Mariah?
IF this is the case, he will spend both nights with Mariah. I am sorry sweetheart...but this is killing me. I am not going to compete with my friend for my boyfriend. Not going to do it. NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER going to do it.
One of the hardest things about this whole situation is that I want to make SURE that I don't give Mariah any shit for this. It is SO not her fault. It is no one's FAULT. It is horrible circumstances.
The only solution I can think of to this problem is for him to move here. How else can we fix this? I can't justifiably say to him: "Visit me and only me", but I can't stand the thought that my visits get cut in half because she is moving here.
(HUGE SIGH)
I know this entry is jumbled. I am a little drunk at work and not making full sense. I also know that I am not being fully honest, cuz I know that there are other eyes reading this. Mariah is one of my best friends...I love you baby.
But I don't know what to do about this....
Quite a dilemma.
We got some new problems forming.....oh great~!
Things have been going SO well and I hate to say that we are facing some new dilemmas, but it is time to stop pretending like they aren't there....
Here is my story....
Mariah is moving to NYC by June 1st.
1) Because of this, Paul and Mariah have been spending a GREAT deal of time together. So much time in fact, that visits and phone calls to me have been kind of cast aside.
2) When Mariah moves here, Paul has told me that he will be visiting me and Mariah at the same time. Which means...he will spend one night with Me and one night with Mariah.
3) When I call to talk to Paul, it is Mariah this and Mariah that.....he is concerned about his time with her and wants to spend every last waking moment with her before she moves. :(
SO...here I sit. Dealing with these specific issues.
Now look...I love Paul. I love him so much it makes my heart explode with feelings of insecurity, he makes me sad, angry, and happy all at the same time. And usually all for the same reason.
(BTW...one of my boss's who doesn't drink, just walked in and was like: "Who had a drink at work today...I smell it."
UM! It was so me. But I lied...and now I chew gum for the rest of the shift)
So Paul...uggles. Here is my deal! Paul and I have been living long distance for about a year and a half now. I have been literally begging him to move since I moved and every time he just says simply: "No."
Now...see my point...I see Paul about once a month; if that...sometimes its more, but usually its less. I have been lucky over the last couple of months with frequent visits, both on his part and on mine. But it has never been enough...and by far...it has never been too much. If Mariah moves here...and Paul plans to visit both she and I during the same visit, that means one night for her and one night for me. NO FUCKING WAY!
I am not about to let my visits with Paul go to one day a month. It actually makes me really angry to think that I would have to sacrifice one of my two days in order for him to see her too. It's not fair. And by any means...it is NOT a relationship. The biggest problem I have had with Paul, since I moved to NYC, is that we don't get enough time together. He has never been one for the phone, so that kills any sort of phone relationship. He refuses to talk over the phone and really...the only honest words he says are when he and I are face to face.
He is breaking my heart. I am trying so hard to have a relationship with him, but now he is limiting it once again!
I want him to be best friends with Mariah. I want so badly for him to have a person that he can go to to discuss his frustrations, anger, everything. Mariah being this person is PERFECT because she is a good friend of mine as well and has the best, NEUTRAL perspective, on his and my relationship. She understands BOTH sides and can honestly give real advice.
HOWEVER...I can not and will not tolerate seeing him half the time I see him now.
Ok...stop!
I am not going to sit here and act like I am a hard ass; that I will break up with him if I don't have it my way. But it hurts. A lot. To think that he would even think this is normal to come and visit me and to spend half the time with her and not all the time with me. I get so few hours with him as it is. I never wanted a boyfriend that was long distance. NEVER. But unfortunately we don't get to plan these things. If you fall in love...you fall in love. :(
I am not going to break up with him. It is the farthest thing from my mind.
But I will be honest when I say that it hurts. A lot. To know that I am going to suffer more in this relationship when Mariah moves. If anything, I thought I would benefit from her moving, cuz then maybe he would too!
I thought wrong.
Paul is obsessed with Mariah. I can accept that. I am obsessed with my girls too. I do not sit on the phone and discuss them to the point of nausea like he does, but I do understand what it is like to feel an attachment to one of your girls. I live this every day...and not to one girl...to like 7.
I am sad about this. Is Paul really going to visit me once a month...spend one night with me and one night with Mariah?
IF this is the case, he will spend both nights with Mariah. I am sorry sweetheart...but this is killing me. I am not going to compete with my friend for my boyfriend. Not going to do it. NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER going to do it.
One of the hardest things about this whole situation is that I want to make SURE that I don't give Mariah any shit for this. It is SO not her fault. It is no one's FAULT. It is horrible circumstances.
The only solution I can think of to this problem is for him to move here. How else can we fix this? I can't justifiably say to him: "Visit me and only me", but I can't stand the thought that my visits get cut in half because she is moving here.
(HUGE SIGH)
I know this entry is jumbled. I am a little drunk at work and not making full sense. I also know that I am not being fully honest, cuz I know that there are other eyes reading this. Mariah is one of my best friends...I love you baby.
But I don't know what to do about this....
Quite a dilemma.
OMIGOD! Penelope is fucking amazing!
If you are any sort of a person, you definitely know about a little show called Small Wonder. The premise: A little robot girl that lives with a suburban family. Major hijinks ensue. :)
Here is a link to all of the Small Wonder your little heart can handle!
Small Wonder
If you are any sort of a person, you definitely know about a little show called Small Wonder. The premise: A little robot girl that lives with a suburban family. Major hijinks ensue. :)
Here is a link to all of the Small Wonder your little heart can handle!
Small Wonder
Don't you hate those weekends that go by so quickly, it is like it never happened in the first place? I mean, don't get me wrong, I love having busy weekends...but the trade off...is really no time to just sit on your ass and do nothing. I truly value my "do nothing" time. Too much so. That is why I am turning into an unmotivated asshole that doesn't even like getting up to go to the bathroom, cuz it's just "too hard". Goodness.
My visit with my mom was wonderful. I knew it would be.
I showed up at her hotel, in Hicksville, Long Island at 5:50pm on Saturday. I proceeded to sit on a bench and wait for her until 7pm. Then I went to the car and sat and played this little hand held Yahtzee game until 8pm. (The reason I was waiting is because she was shopping and told me that she may be running a few minutes late, but that she would meet me at the front of the hotel. Well, at 8:15pm I go to the front desk of the hotel and ask them if they would just buzz her room so I could leave a message. They say fine. I call and lo and behold my mom answers and is like: "Where are you?" I'm like: "Where are you????"
She comes to the lobby and we both hysterically laugh over the fact that I have been waiting for 2 hours worrying my ass off. I asked her: "Why didn't you just come to the lobby and check to see if I was here and lost or something." She goes: "I was watching a movie."
LORD!
So, we went and got gyros...then we had some wine together and smoked a bowl. She didn't want to smoke in the room at first, but me and my whily ways talked her into it in 10 minutes flat. We talked for hours and finally settled in to watch "Joyride" at 12:30am. This is now like the 3rd time I have seen this movie. It just gets better every time. WINKLES~~
Talking to my mom was wonderful. My parents are being so supportive about the whole Paul thing. My mom asked me a million questions about him this weekend. She told me a lot of personal stuff. We shared, we laughed, and I just fell in love with her all over again.
On Sunday, we went tanning, shopping, had lunch and just talked a whole lot more. She bought me a new outfit for the big dinner coming up at work. She spent an astronomical amount of money on me this weekend. I can't believe her generosity. She is so good to me. GOD>>>>>>>>>>>I just LOVE this woman. She is everything to me. EVERYTHING.
The ride home from the Island took me 35 minutes. That included filling the car with gas. UM! The quickest trip ever! It was so easy.
Next Saturday, my parents are coming down with my Granny and we are all going to lunch and then on to a performance of
The Producers. I wasn't looking forward to seeing this show at all, but now I kind of am. Being with my family is the best part, but seeing a show, which I can be proud to say I have seen, is a close second. It will probably not be as good with out Matthew or Nathan, but to be honest...they weren't that much of an attraction for me anyway. To be brutally honest...the show seems kind of dumb. But I will report on it next Monday.
Rita and I have this friend named Jessica. She is coming to visit this weekend. She kind of invited herself down for the weekend, in usual Jessica fashion. She actually tricked Rita into inviting her.
Jessica wrote me about a week ago saying that she desperately needed to come to NYC. She needed to escape from Utica for a weekend and just get away from a lot of things that were going on in her life. She wanted to come down either last weekend or this up-coming one. I said no to both weekends, cuz I knew that I wouldn't be around. "How about May?" I asked her.
Next thing I know, she goes to Rita and says: "I DESPERATELY need to get out of Utica. Can I come down for the weekend?" Rita was like: "Sure what is going on????" Rita was rather worried.
Jessica goes: "Oh, nothing. Just sick of grading papers and dealing with the kids (in her class)."
TRICKY BITCH that one is! Whatever. And she is bringing her boyfriend Ryan, who is a nice guy, but straight out of Creepsville.
Rita and I swear that he wants to suck both of our dicks, but who knows...
So Jessica will be coming for the weekend. I told Reets that I am kind of excited to see her. Haven't seen the girl since Rockin New Year's Eve. She is fun. We laugh alot and deep down, she is a wonderful girl. Whatever problems Rita and I have with her don't stand up to the fact that Jessica is one of our best peeps from way back. WAY back. Sometimes Rita wants to smack Jessica. Most of the times, I just want to take back the pot that she steals from me. Speaking of which...lordy. I gotta get a bag for when she comes down this weekend. UGH! Can she ever just bring some??? She will bring some, but it will be a nugget the size of a pea and I am sure she will smoke it before she even gets to NYC. But oh yeah...I am really excited to see her.
Kelly will be around this weekend, so she will be able to hang too. Kelly and Jessica are friends from way back as well. Jessica is the first person that Kelly got to know in 56B. I remember Kelly and Jessica being something called: "Sugar Twins" or some shit. They were busom buddies for a while. It will be nice for them to see eachother again.
I saw Angie yesterday for a bit. She looks great. Her hair looks good, she had some color in her cheeks. It was funny, Rita and I were just about to go rent a movie and we ran into Angie on the porch. In the middle of Rita and Angie's talk, I interupt and say: "Sorry to cut this short, but we gotta go." Angie is like "Doh?...Okay". Rita, being the perfect partner in crime, doesn't question me...she just turns and goes. Once we get down the steps to our house, she turns and realizes why we had to bolt. Coming down the street, with two of his FUGLY friends is Angie's roommate FUCK FACE. It was the first run in that I have really had with him. We didn't say hi or nuttin. We just walked right away and drove to Blockbuster. Well, actually we brought the wrong keys to the car, so we had to wait for FUCK FACE to go back inside and then we had to get the other key. Whoops.
It was funny.
We have this ACCREDITATION TEAM at work today analyzing our validity as a Jewish Organization. It's more complicated than that...but I can't get into it without fully revealing where I work. In any case, this ACCREDITATION TEAM has to meet with each of us for 15 minutes to discuss our job descriptions. I am DREADING it. Why? It will be totally painless and I know it, but every time I think of it, I get a pang of annoyance in my gut.
Gut. Can I not have one anymore? Back to salads and yogurt. :(
Just about time for a smoke. PHEW! Not going crazy cuz I need one, but sometimes it just feels real good to burn your throat out some more.
And it tastes like corn. Jessica Corn.
Last night before going to sleep, I watched Hannibal. Memble Hannible? The sequel to Silence of the Lambs. There were two scenes in it that made me squirm so badly I almost ripped my face off with a piece of glass. Oh no. That is a scene from the movie. BARF. I really sat clutching my face during two parts. The movie, as a whole, aint all that great, but gory as fuck? Yes sir! Julianne Moore, whom I usually love, plays the same character, Clarise Starling, that Jodi Foster played in the original. Umm....memo to Julianne....don't do that again.
So see it if you want.
Rita and I watched The Amityville Horror before retiring to out respective rooms. We thought Kelly was going to be home and thought it to be a nice family movie...but she had rehearsal late. The movie was so ridiculous at times, but so scary at times too. Watch it to laugh. Oh. And also to cry. I will tell you one thing..."Get OUT!" (You will know if you see it)
Alright...peayce! Be back later.
My visit with my mom was wonderful. I knew it would be.
I showed up at her hotel, in Hicksville, Long Island at 5:50pm on Saturday. I proceeded to sit on a bench and wait for her until 7pm. Then I went to the car and sat and played this little hand held Yahtzee game until 8pm. (The reason I was waiting is because she was shopping and told me that she may be running a few minutes late, but that she would meet me at the front of the hotel. Well, at 8:15pm I go to the front desk of the hotel and ask them if they would just buzz her room so I could leave a message. They say fine. I call and lo and behold my mom answers and is like: "Where are you?" I'm like: "Where are you????"
She comes to the lobby and we both hysterically laugh over the fact that I have been waiting for 2 hours worrying my ass off. I asked her: "Why didn't you just come to the lobby and check to see if I was here and lost or something." She goes: "I was watching a movie."
LORD!
So, we went and got gyros...then we had some wine together and smoked a bowl. She didn't want to smoke in the room at first, but me and my whily ways talked her into it in 10 minutes flat. We talked for hours and finally settled in to watch "Joyride" at 12:30am. This is now like the 3rd time I have seen this movie. It just gets better every time. WINKLES~~
Talking to my mom was wonderful. My parents are being so supportive about the whole Paul thing. My mom asked me a million questions about him this weekend. She told me a lot of personal stuff. We shared, we laughed, and I just fell in love with her all over again.
On Sunday, we went tanning, shopping, had lunch and just talked a whole lot more. She bought me a new outfit for the big dinner coming up at work. She spent an astronomical amount of money on me this weekend. I can't believe her generosity. She is so good to me. GOD>>>>>>>>>>>I just LOVE this woman. She is everything to me. EVERYTHING.
The ride home from the Island took me 35 minutes. That included filling the car with gas. UM! The quickest trip ever! It was so easy.
Next Saturday, my parents are coming down with my Granny and we are all going to lunch and then on to a performance of
The Producers. I wasn't looking forward to seeing this show at all, but now I kind of am. Being with my family is the best part, but seeing a show, which I can be proud to say I have seen, is a close second. It will probably not be as good with out Matthew or Nathan, but to be honest...they weren't that much of an attraction for me anyway. To be brutally honest...the show seems kind of dumb. But I will report on it next Monday.
Rita and I have this friend named Jessica. She is coming to visit this weekend. She kind of invited herself down for the weekend, in usual Jessica fashion. She actually tricked Rita into inviting her.
Jessica wrote me about a week ago saying that she desperately needed to come to NYC. She needed to escape from Utica for a weekend and just get away from a lot of things that were going on in her life. She wanted to come down either last weekend or this up-coming one. I said no to both weekends, cuz I knew that I wouldn't be around. "How about May?" I asked her.
Next thing I know, she goes to Rita and says: "I DESPERATELY need to get out of Utica. Can I come down for the weekend?" Rita was like: "Sure what is going on????" Rita was rather worried.
Jessica goes: "Oh, nothing. Just sick of grading papers and dealing with the kids (in her class)."
TRICKY BITCH that one is! Whatever. And she is bringing her boyfriend Ryan, who is a nice guy, but straight out of Creepsville.
Rita and I swear that he wants to suck both of our dicks, but who knows...
So Jessica will be coming for the weekend. I told Reets that I am kind of excited to see her. Haven't seen the girl since Rockin New Year's Eve. She is fun. We laugh alot and deep down, she is a wonderful girl. Whatever problems Rita and I have with her don't stand up to the fact that Jessica is one of our best peeps from way back. WAY back. Sometimes Rita wants to smack Jessica. Most of the times, I just want to take back the pot that she steals from me. Speaking of which...lordy. I gotta get a bag for when she comes down this weekend. UGH! Can she ever just bring some??? She will bring some, but it will be a nugget the size of a pea and I am sure she will smoke it before she even gets to NYC. But oh yeah...I am really excited to see her.
Kelly will be around this weekend, so she will be able to hang too. Kelly and Jessica are friends from way back as well. Jessica is the first person that Kelly got to know in 56B. I remember Kelly and Jessica being something called: "Sugar Twins" or some shit. They were busom buddies for a while. It will be nice for them to see eachother again.
I saw Angie yesterday for a bit. She looks great. Her hair looks good, she had some color in her cheeks. It was funny, Rita and I were just about to go rent a movie and we ran into Angie on the porch. In the middle of Rita and Angie's talk, I interupt and say: "Sorry to cut this short, but we gotta go." Angie is like "Doh?...Okay". Rita, being the perfect partner in crime, doesn't question me...she just turns and goes. Once we get down the steps to our house, she turns and realizes why we had to bolt. Coming down the street, with two of his FUGLY friends is Angie's roommate FUCK FACE. It was the first run in that I have really had with him. We didn't say hi or nuttin. We just walked right away and drove to Blockbuster. Well, actually we brought the wrong keys to the car, so we had to wait for FUCK FACE to go back inside and then we had to get the other key. Whoops.
It was funny.
We have this ACCREDITATION TEAM at work today analyzing our validity as a Jewish Organization. It's more complicated than that...but I can't get into it without fully revealing where I work. In any case, this ACCREDITATION TEAM has to meet with each of us for 15 minutes to discuss our job descriptions. I am DREADING it. Why? It will be totally painless and I know it, but every time I think of it, I get a pang of annoyance in my gut.
Gut. Can I not have one anymore? Back to salads and yogurt. :(
Just about time for a smoke. PHEW! Not going crazy cuz I need one, but sometimes it just feels real good to burn your throat out some more.
And it tastes like corn. Jessica Corn.
Last night before going to sleep, I watched Hannibal. Memble Hannible? The sequel to Silence of the Lambs. There were two scenes in it that made me squirm so badly I almost ripped my face off with a piece of glass. Oh no. That is a scene from the movie. BARF. I really sat clutching my face during two parts. The movie, as a whole, aint all that great, but gory as fuck? Yes sir! Julianne Moore, whom I usually love, plays the same character, Clarise Starling, that Jodi Foster played in the original. Umm....memo to Julianne....don't do that again.
So see it if you want.
Rita and I watched The Amityville Horror before retiring to out respective rooms. We thought Kelly was going to be home and thought it to be a nice family movie...but she had rehearsal late. The movie was so ridiculous at times, but so scary at times too. Watch it to laugh. Oh. And also to cry. I will tell you one thing..."Get OUT!" (You will know if you see it)
Alright...peayce! Be back later.
Hey all.
I am SOOO pleased to find out that I am:
Which TRL girl are you?
Good morning and fucking great!
I am SOOO pleased to find out that I am:
Which TRL girl are you?
Good morning and fucking great!
Saturday, April 13, 2002
Well, I just woke up and had phone sex. That is always a good start to any Saturday.
It's funny, cuz I do the phone sex thing once in awhile...NEVER paying for it...just talking to guys I meet in the appropriate chat rooms....and sometimes it turns out great and sometimes I want to die laughing.
Today for example...I met this huge beast of a man. We have some hot cyber chat and then I ask him if he "does phone". He says "Sure". I call him up and the most flaming gay man answers. Not THAT flaming, but too flaming for him to be some world reknowned bodybuilder. In any case, I choke back the laughter and still finish with him. LOLOL. After I was done, I go: "Thanks Mike. See you round". And click off. He was like: "Uh?"
Now on with my day...
I'm leaving in a couple of hours to go see my mom on Long Island. I have to shower and eat something. I am looking forward to seeing the mother. It should be fun. We will get a chance to talk and tomorrow, she is supposed to take me to the mall to get something to wear for the big dinner coming up at work. I have nothing in my closet tha is even close to acceptable. Well, I could wear a wife beater. I surely have enough of those.
The cat has been licking his vagina for like an hour now.
ewe.
Short entries for the last two days, but I really have nothing to say. I like to check iñ (do you see how that "n" has a little thing on it? Sometimes when I type on Rita's computer, my fingers must hit some shift button, cuz all these crazy letters come up. Sort of like wingdings, but maybe even hieroglyphics of some sort).
It's a beautiful day. This morning I happened to catch a bit of the weather channel and it said that on Wednesday, it is going to be 82 degrees in NYC. 80 fucking 2 degrees in April? Um? That shit is fucked up.
Phone's ringing...
The African's upstairs are once again destroying their own apartment. What the fuck do they DO up there?
I swear, one of these days, one of their little black bodies is going to come crashing through the roof and end up on our kitchen table.
Alright...peayce.
It's funny, cuz I do the phone sex thing once in awhile...NEVER paying for it...just talking to guys I meet in the appropriate chat rooms....and sometimes it turns out great and sometimes I want to die laughing.
Today for example...I met this huge beast of a man. We have some hot cyber chat and then I ask him if he "does phone". He says "Sure". I call him up and the most flaming gay man answers. Not THAT flaming, but too flaming for him to be some world reknowned bodybuilder. In any case, I choke back the laughter and still finish with him. LOLOL. After I was done, I go: "Thanks Mike. See you round". And click off. He was like: "Uh?"
Now on with my day...
I'm leaving in a couple of hours to go see my mom on Long Island. I have to shower and eat something. I am looking forward to seeing the mother. It should be fun. We will get a chance to talk and tomorrow, she is supposed to take me to the mall to get something to wear for the big dinner coming up at work. I have nothing in my closet tha is even close to acceptable. Well, I could wear a wife beater. I surely have enough of those.
The cat has been licking his vagina for like an hour now.
ewe.
Short entries for the last two days, but I really have nothing to say. I like to check iñ (do you see how that "n" has a little thing on it? Sometimes when I type on Rita's computer, my fingers must hit some shift button, cuz all these crazy letters come up. Sort of like wingdings, but maybe even hieroglyphics of some sort).
It's a beautiful day. This morning I happened to catch a bit of the weather channel and it said that on Wednesday, it is going to be 82 degrees in NYC. 80 fucking 2 degrees in April? Um? That shit is fucked up.
Phone's ringing...
The African's upstairs are once again destroying their own apartment. What the fuck do they DO up there?
I swear, one of these days, one of their little black bodies is going to come crashing through the roof and end up on our kitchen table.
Alright...peayce.
Friday, April 12, 2002
HOLY SHIT! Today is like the busiest day at work. From the moment I walked in it has been absolutely crazy.
I only have a couple free minutes, so this is really just a touch base type of entry.
TOUCH and BASE.
Will definitely write in here this weekend!
PEAYCE ALL!
I only have a couple free minutes, so this is really just a touch base type of entry.
TOUCH and BASE.
Will definitely write in here this weekend!
PEAYCE ALL!
Thursday, April 11, 2002
One more hour until Rita and I get to go home and play on the roof. YAYAYAYAYAY! Having the roof makes the world such a better place.
So about an hour ago...I answer the phone and this is the conversation that happens:
Me: Shalom Hillel.
Mysterious Voice: Yeah...um...I need to speak to As*a Vai**m*n. (I hide her identity to protect her from harm)
Me: I can't give you her phone number, but I can transfer you to her extension.
MV: Thanks.
I transfer him and about 4 minutes later the phone rings again...
Me: Shalom Hillel
Mysterious Voice: Hi. You just transferred me to an extension that is not for As*a Vasi**m*n.
Me: Oh. I transferred you to the number on my contact sheet. I don't know why it didn't work.
MV: Why don't you give me the number and I will call her myself.
Me: Maybe I should ask who is calling.
MV: This is Brian Dennehey.
Me: (BRIAN FUCKING DENNEHEY???? UM!!!)
Brian: (waiting patiently)
Me: Ok...I will give you the number and hold for a minute and I will see if I have a second number.
B: Sure.
(I rifle through the Columbia Database trying to find this girl's number)(It takes me forever, but I locate it)
Me: Hi Brian. The number is: shumma shum shum, shumma shum shum.
B: Thanks. Have a great day.
Me: You too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (my heart is all a flutter at this point)
-----end scene-----
I mean...I have lived in NYC for over a year now and the only famous thing I have seen is the back of Natalie Portman's head. But today I spoke with THE Brian Dennehey. Oh man. Ask Penelope...I was so nervous and really tried to rush off the phone as quick as possible. I don't know what to do in the presence of royalty. He's fucking Willy Lowman from Death of a Salesman for God's sakes.
Today has flown by. I am ready to bust out of here. I got a lot of work done today, a lot of play done today, and I had a fucking awesome lunch. Grilled Cz and fries at Tom's Restaurant. You know Tom's right? The outside is the home of the Seinfeld diner.
Rita had split pea soup and a bagel. I tried her soup, convinced that I would hate it and I loved it! (The bagel looked pretty exceptional as well)
I figure...if I like lentil soup, I must like split pea, huh?
Okay...I am so going now. If I reduce these entries to the food consumed by me every day, someone smack me in the mouth and call me a fag.
So about an hour ago...I answer the phone and this is the conversation that happens:
Me: Shalom Hillel.
Mysterious Voice: Yeah...um...I need to speak to As*a Vai**m*n. (I hide her identity to protect her from harm)
Me: I can't give you her phone number, but I can transfer you to her extension.
MV: Thanks.
I transfer him and about 4 minutes later the phone rings again...
Me: Shalom Hillel
Mysterious Voice: Hi. You just transferred me to an extension that is not for As*a Vasi**m*n.
Me: Oh. I transferred you to the number on my contact sheet. I don't know why it didn't work.
MV: Why don't you give me the number and I will call her myself.
Me: Maybe I should ask who is calling.
MV: This is Brian Dennehey.
Me: (BRIAN FUCKING DENNEHEY???? UM!!!)
Brian: (waiting patiently)
Me: Ok...I will give you the number and hold for a minute and I will see if I have a second number.
B: Sure.
(I rifle through the Columbia Database trying to find this girl's number)(It takes me forever, but I locate it)
Me: Hi Brian. The number is: shumma shum shum, shumma shum shum.
B: Thanks. Have a great day.
Me: You too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (my heart is all a flutter at this point)
-----end scene-----
I mean...I have lived in NYC for over a year now and the only famous thing I have seen is the back of Natalie Portman's head. But today I spoke with THE Brian Dennehey. Oh man. Ask Penelope...I was so nervous and really tried to rush off the phone as quick as possible. I don't know what to do in the presence of royalty. He's fucking Willy Lowman from Death of a Salesman for God's sakes.
Today has flown by. I am ready to bust out of here. I got a lot of work done today, a lot of play done today, and I had a fucking awesome lunch. Grilled Cz and fries at Tom's Restaurant. You know Tom's right? The outside is the home of the Seinfeld diner.
Rita had split pea soup and a bagel. I tried her soup, convinced that I would hate it and I loved it! (The bagel looked pretty exceptional as well)
I figure...if I like lentil soup, I must like split pea, huh?
Okay...I am so going now. If I reduce these entries to the food consumed by me every day, someone smack me in the mouth and call me a fag.
Good morning! Well!
What a beautiful day, again! Is this for real? Is it going to be summer again before we even know it? Man. At this rate, I am going to be 73 before I even know it. Uggles. I really just want to stop and smell the roses, but the days just meld into one and uggles again.
It seems like 12 minutes ago I was dreading starting my first full week of work after the holidays...but now it is THURSDAY! Can you believe it? Time flies when things are going smoothly. Time does NOT fly however, when you are angry, miserable, and alone. Somewhat like a certain boy, I know.
Paul is sad. Real sad. I can tell. He hasn't said much to me about it, but I can just tell. I am pretty good with the intuition thing and it's working overtime right now. He doesn't call me really...he doesn't talk about what is bothering him. It's like pulling teeth. However, considering that I am exactly the same way, I have an understanding and a respect for the way he handles it. A respect that most people don't have with me. So it would be totally inappropriate for me to get frustrated or upset with him. I will just try to be as patient as I can be.
Penelope has this little candy turtle that she keeps on her desk. She has had it for weeks and we keep thinking that it is going to get stolen or eaten. Penelope has named this turtle "Gums". His name makes me die laughing!!! After every weekend, she and I come in to work and quickly look to see if Gums has been fatally injured or even kidnapped. Yet, he has survived so far. You go Gums! You go.
I spoke with my mom last night for a while. She is damn adorable. It's funny how different my relationship is with both of my parents. My dad is a very neutral party in whatever case I present to him. My mom viciously takes my side in everything. I need them both as a balance and I find that it works out quite nicely. For example, when the whole shit went down with my uncles, my dad was pretty level-headed about the whole thing. He said that we were all being oversensitive and shumma shum. But as for my mom (and it's her brother), she said: "Well, your uncles can be little bitches and don't worry about it. They are this and this and this and this." She is easily convinced by me on any topic. Not that she is convinced per se, but always willing and able to take my side in anything. I love that. So we talked last night and I gave her the low down on work, friends, family life, and Paul. She was so funny about everything and by the time I got off the phone with her I felt worlds better about a lot of the little things going on. For the most part, I am in this place of balance and traquility. I explained to her how relaxed and happy I have been lately and she was more excited about that than just about anything I have ever accomplished. Both of my parents, as with most of my friends parents, only want for their children to be happy. My parents went through my "depression" with me. They stood and held my hand during the entire battle. They took me to doctor after doctor, helped set me up with therapists and even assisted me in finding the right medication for myself. So when I tell my parents that I feel "good" these days, they are overjoyed, excited, and I am sure, in some way, relieved.
But at what price does happiness come? Is it at the sacrifice of other things?
The only worry that I have in my head these days is that things will shift and I will find myself in the same position that I was last week at this time. Not that it was just last week...the last battle was about a year long leading up to last week.
There were good days. There were GREAT days. But I just feel different now, better. And I know it's not permanent or forever...but I will take this experience and appreciate it for as long as I can. And hopefully, above everything else, I will learn from it, so that next time I might be better equipped at digging myself out of the hole that I often fall into.
Guess time will tell....
So...another day! Sun shining, people smiling, good feeling day!
Take a deep breath and jump in.
What a beautiful day, again! Is this for real? Is it going to be summer again before we even know it? Man. At this rate, I am going to be 73 before I even know it. Uggles. I really just want to stop and smell the roses, but the days just meld into one and uggles again.
It seems like 12 minutes ago I was dreading starting my first full week of work after the holidays...but now it is THURSDAY! Can you believe it? Time flies when things are going smoothly. Time does NOT fly however, when you are angry, miserable, and alone. Somewhat like a certain boy, I know.
Paul is sad. Real sad. I can tell. He hasn't said much to me about it, but I can just tell. I am pretty good with the intuition thing and it's working overtime right now. He doesn't call me really...he doesn't talk about what is bothering him. It's like pulling teeth. However, considering that I am exactly the same way, I have an understanding and a respect for the way he handles it. A respect that most people don't have with me. So it would be totally inappropriate for me to get frustrated or upset with him. I will just try to be as patient as I can be.
Penelope has this little candy turtle that she keeps on her desk. She has had it for weeks and we keep thinking that it is going to get stolen or eaten. Penelope has named this turtle "Gums". His name makes me die laughing!!! After every weekend, she and I come in to work and quickly look to see if Gums has been fatally injured or even kidnapped. Yet, he has survived so far. You go Gums! You go.
I spoke with my mom last night for a while. She is damn adorable. It's funny how different my relationship is with both of my parents. My dad is a very neutral party in whatever case I present to him. My mom viciously takes my side in everything. I need them both as a balance and I find that it works out quite nicely. For example, when the whole shit went down with my uncles, my dad was pretty level-headed about the whole thing. He said that we were all being oversensitive and shumma shum. But as for my mom (and it's her brother), she said: "Well, your uncles can be little bitches and don't worry about it. They are this and this and this and this." She is easily convinced by me on any topic. Not that she is convinced per se, but always willing and able to take my side in anything. I love that. So we talked last night and I gave her the low down on work, friends, family life, and Paul. She was so funny about everything and by the time I got off the phone with her I felt worlds better about a lot of the little things going on. For the most part, I am in this place of balance and traquility. I explained to her how relaxed and happy I have been lately and she was more excited about that than just about anything I have ever accomplished. Both of my parents, as with most of my friends parents, only want for their children to be happy. My parents went through my "depression" with me. They stood and held my hand during the entire battle. They took me to doctor after doctor, helped set me up with therapists and even assisted me in finding the right medication for myself. So when I tell my parents that I feel "good" these days, they are overjoyed, excited, and I am sure, in some way, relieved.
But at what price does happiness come? Is it at the sacrifice of other things?
The only worry that I have in my head these days is that things will shift and I will find myself in the same position that I was last week at this time. Not that it was just last week...the last battle was about a year long leading up to last week.
There were good days. There were GREAT days. But I just feel different now, better. And I know it's not permanent or forever...but I will take this experience and appreciate it for as long as I can. And hopefully, above everything else, I will learn from it, so that next time I might be better equipped at digging myself out of the hole that I often fall into.
Guess time will tell....
So...another day! Sun shining, people smiling, good feeling day!
Take a deep breath and jump in.
Wednesday, April 10, 2002
So tonight...Rita and I came home. Well, usually we DO come home, but tonight was just a little bit different. We took a cab home cuz we were feeling care-free and fancy-free. We arrived at the house at 5:45pm, after having the most interesting cab ride of our lives. It was just so thought provoking and intriguing that even Rita and I couldn't find a way to fully discuss it.
When we got home, we decided to have a glass of wine on our porch. She was waiting for her parents to call and I was waiting for her....well...er...parents to call! So, we get our glasses of wine, play with the baby for a minute and walk calmly, but steadily to the porch. (calmly, but steadily...adjectives that are totally unnecessary at this point of the story). We walk to the front of the house, laughing and talking VERY LOUDLY when I open the first door. I then go to open the second, and last door, when I look out the window and see Angie's roommate FUCK FACE sitting on the front steps. I froze in my tracks. I mean...WHAT? We had just gotten home like 8 minutes earlier. Where the fuck did fuck face come from? Fuck, fuck and fuck!
So I spin on my axle and look at her with the fear. Fear of DEATH that is. I say "go".
I say "go". If you were here right now, you would understand how "I say 'go'" is funny. You would. I say it to myself and I laugh. I'm actually still laughing. Still...even now still.
Okay I have stopped.
Rita and I immediately high-tail it back to the apartment and once inside I say: "It's FUCK FACE! He is on the stairs!" We pass a look of horror and then invent "the point" of my whole story.....(elipses)
Having to decide where to drink our glass of wine, I say: "Come with me." Rita follows me into my room, onto my bed, and out of my window.
Outside the window is a miniature roof, 2 feet off the ground. No bigger than me laying down. And a little wider, but that is only cuz I am halfway to fat ass at this point.
We sit on the "roof". As we begin to smoke our cigarettes and drink our wine, Rita and I both stop to realize that we have just discovered our new hang-out.
Now this is a big deal...
Rita and I became BFF when I moved into 56B Liberty Street. The place that changed both Rita and my life forever. Ask Kelly about it...she is the only person I have left in my life that understands 56B.
Within 56B were 6 people. (And you know what folks...at this point, I am using real names for minor characters. I can't keep this shit straight in my head anymore). Stacey, Jessica, Nina, Erica, Amy, and Joe. In no particular order. The 5 of them lived in the house a whole year before, but in my place was a girl names Terri. (A girl who lives in NYC presently, but none of us talk to on a regular basis...maybe Erica and Stacey, but thats bullshit)
I REPLACED Terri. End of story. Debate it all you want...and boy some of these girls will...I replaced Terri. Okay...that was an unnecessary tangent and now I laugh at myself.
Okay laughing...................................................
done.
Us 6 were unique and compatible. There was always a fight going on between someone, but with 6 people it always worked out. There was always "somewhere to go".
But the ONE PLACE. The ONLY place where we could all go and be serene was our roof.
The 56B roof was a good 8-9 feet off the ground; 13 at its' hightest point. Cuz it sloped, you see. Sloped upwards. So you always felt like you were falling off. (I am laughing again. But this time...nostalgically.)
On the roof, the 6 of us (and it was dangerous for 6, usually 12 people on the roof, but we did it) just sat and drank our beers, smoked our butts and just fucking bullshitted. It was perfect. It was the reason you moved into 56B.
At some point, I will get into each of these 5 girls and explain why they are perfect; why each of them has flaws and perfection wrapped into themselves.
Good people. Very good.
So when Rita and I realized that we were sitting on the roof and that it just felt "good", I, for one remembered all the aforementioned. Wow.
As much as the memories are important and, at this time of my life, so wonderful, I see, for this moment, a new place for the future to take hold. I see Kelly, Rita and I sitting on the roof this summer and just being. I see us talking...laughing...sharing...letting go with eachother. It is our .
How much fun??? And when certain people come over, we can invite them to the roof.
"Hey", we'll say, "You seem like a cool person. Have ya been to the roof?"
I just can't wait.
So tonight ends well.
I feel so relaxed, so calm, so...real. Is it the calm before the storm? They say that and it's creepy to think that.
But...great! Now that I have thought it.....the sounds of crickets outside and the warm spring breeze blowing through the window onto my face is bugging me out!!!!
or maybe it's the pot.
whatever....it's always the pot.
So I guess that is it. Wanted to share something that made a difference in my day today.
Right now Rita is seeing her parents. (Big sigh)
I am just really excited for her. The bullshit that she went through to get to this point just adds up to an even more incredible experience.
****Realized tonight that this is no longer a journal. This has become a way of communicating with each and every one of the people in my life without ever telling them face forward.
******Not what I wanted this to be.
*********Not what I intended it to be.
************Hungry now.
****************MMMM.....hot dogs.....
So you see...
I just look back and read what I have written in the past, because in some way...it's my mini-portfolio. Not marketable in any way, but my personal portfolio.
(And if you really believe that I don't think this shit is marketable, you are lost) (WINKLES!!!)
I saw the actual progression from me writing a "journal" type entry to me just writing about and for people I know. I am suprised anyone not connected to the 4 people in my life even read me. They just see that I am gay and then they think: "Oh....well gay...he must be a slut...I will write him a discusting and crude email!"
Great idea.
But overall, it's my way of communicating with my 4 closest. 5 if you count Edward...but are we counting Edward at this point?
I guess that is it.
I still have to do my "Real World" recap from last night's episode, but that will have to wait until I am at work and getting paid to write it.
Member when people said "Peace in the middle East" as like a saying? I remember it from college or highschool, but I never said it, so I don't know it's true origin. It was synonymous with "Catch ya Later" and "See ya around". Well now awadays....Peace in the Middle East, huh? Weird.
Alright guys. Girls. Whoever happens to read this entry. I wrote a lot today so who knows if anyone will get this far. Rita is with her parents. Kelly is at class. Penelope is at an interview. wow. What a day. What a week. Man. What an experience. I wouldn't trade any of it for a second.
Peace in the middle east y'all.
When we got home, we decided to have a glass of wine on our porch. She was waiting for her parents to call and I was waiting for her....well...er...parents to call! So, we get our glasses of wine, play with the baby for a minute and walk calmly, but steadily to the porch. (calmly, but steadily...adjectives that are totally unnecessary at this point of the story). We walk to the front of the house, laughing and talking VERY LOUDLY when I open the first door. I then go to open the second, and last door, when I look out the window and see Angie's roommate FUCK FACE sitting on the front steps. I froze in my tracks. I mean...WHAT? We had just gotten home like 8 minutes earlier. Where the fuck did fuck face come from? Fuck, fuck and fuck!
So I spin on my axle and look at her with the fear. Fear of DEATH that is. I say "go".
I say "go". If you were here right now, you would understand how "I say 'go'" is funny. You would. I say it to myself and I laugh. I'm actually still laughing. Still...even now still.
Okay I have stopped.
Rita and I immediately high-tail it back to the apartment and once inside I say: "It's FUCK FACE! He is on the stairs!" We pass a look of horror and then invent "the point" of my whole story.....(elipses)
Having to decide where to drink our glass of wine, I say: "Come with me." Rita follows me into my room, onto my bed, and out of my window.
Outside the window is a miniature roof, 2 feet off the ground. No bigger than me laying down. And a little wider, but that is only cuz I am halfway to fat ass at this point.
We sit on the "roof". As we begin to smoke our cigarettes and drink our wine, Rita and I both stop to realize that we have just discovered our new hang-out.
Now this is a big deal...
Rita and I became BFF when I moved into 56B Liberty Street. The place that changed both Rita and my life forever. Ask Kelly about it...she is the only person I have left in my life that understands 56B.
Within 56B were 6 people. (And you know what folks...at this point, I am using real names for minor characters. I can't keep this shit straight in my head anymore). Stacey, Jessica, Nina, Erica, Amy, and Joe. In no particular order. The 5 of them lived in the house a whole year before, but in my place was a girl names Terri. (A girl who lives in NYC presently, but none of us talk to on a regular basis...maybe Erica and Stacey, but thats bullshit)
I REPLACED Terri. End of story. Debate it all you want...and boy some of these girls will...I replaced Terri. Okay...that was an unnecessary tangent and now I laugh at myself.
Okay laughing...................................................
done.
Us 6 were unique and compatible. There was always a fight going on between someone, but with 6 people it always worked out. There was always "somewhere to go".
But the ONE PLACE. The ONLY place where we could all go and be serene was our roof.
The 56B roof was a good 8-9 feet off the ground; 13 at its' hightest point. Cuz it sloped, you see. Sloped upwards. So you always felt like you were falling off. (I am laughing again. But this time...nostalgically.)
On the roof, the 6 of us (and it was dangerous for 6, usually 12 people on the roof, but we did it) just sat and drank our beers, smoked our butts and just fucking bullshitted. It was perfect. It was the reason you moved into 56B.
At some point, I will get into each of these 5 girls and explain why they are perfect; why each of them has flaws and perfection wrapped into themselves.
Good people. Very good.
So when Rita and I realized that we were sitting on the roof and that it just felt "good", I, for one remembered all the aforementioned. Wow.
As much as the memories are important and, at this time of my life, so wonderful, I see, for this moment, a new place for the future to take hold. I see Kelly, Rita and I sitting on the roof this summer and just being. I see us talking...laughing...sharing...letting go with eachother. It is our .
How much fun??? And when certain people come over, we can invite them to the roof.
"Hey", we'll say, "You seem like a cool person. Have ya been to the roof?"
I just can't wait.
So tonight ends well.
I feel so relaxed, so calm, so...real. Is it the calm before the storm? They say that and it's creepy to think that.
But...great! Now that I have thought it.....the sounds of crickets outside and the warm spring breeze blowing through the window onto my face is bugging me out!!!!
or maybe it's the pot.
whatever....it's always the pot.
So I guess that is it. Wanted to share something that made a difference in my day today.
Right now Rita is seeing her parents. (Big sigh)
I am just really excited for her. The bullshit that she went through to get to this point just adds up to an even more incredible experience.
****Realized tonight that this is no longer a journal. This has become a way of communicating with each and every one of the people in my life without ever telling them face forward.
******Not what I wanted this to be.
*********Not what I intended it to be.
************Hungry now.
****************MMMM.....hot dogs.....
So you see...
I just look back and read what I have written in the past, because in some way...it's my mini-portfolio. Not marketable in any way, but my personal portfolio.
(And if you really believe that I don't think this shit is marketable, you are lost) (WINKLES!!!)
I saw the actual progression from me writing a "journal" type entry to me just writing about and for people I know. I am suprised anyone not connected to the 4 people in my life even read me. They just see that I am gay and then they think: "Oh....well gay...he must be a slut...I will write him a discusting and crude email!"
Great idea.
But overall, it's my way of communicating with my 4 closest. 5 if you count Edward...but are we counting Edward at this point?
I guess that is it.
I still have to do my "Real World" recap from last night's episode, but that will have to wait until I am at work and getting paid to write it.
Member when people said "Peace in the middle East" as like a saying? I remember it from college or highschool, but I never said it, so I don't know it's true origin. It was synonymous with "Catch ya Later" and "See ya around". Well now awadays....Peace in the Middle East, huh? Weird.
Alright guys. Girls. Whoever happens to read this entry. I wrote a lot today so who knows if anyone will get this far. Rita is with her parents. Kelly is at class. Penelope is at an interview. wow. What a day. What a week. Man. What an experience. I wouldn't trade any of it for a second.
Peace in the middle east y'all.
People don't turn people gay. guns do. By Rita
I was just talking to Paul and he asked me how my week is going. I told him "fine" and then I stopped for a moment. It's more than "fine". It is calm and wonderful. Monday started out like shit for a number of reasons, but yesterday was better and today is just MAHvelous. It has been a beautiful week weather wise, work hasn't been too bad, and as Mary J. Blige would sing: "No more drama in my life." I have been in contact with quite a few friends, my family, and even those that I had separated from for one reason or another. I feel happy. I feel alive. I feel good.
Unfortunately, Paul is not doing so good. He is lonely without his Mariah already and she doesn't even move for another month. He also went on and on about how without Mariah, he feels like he really has nothing. I left him, she is leaving him, it's a tough situation. How do I say "Come here and be with me" any other way than I have already? I hate feeling so good when he feels so bad. He deserves better than that. I can give him better than that.
Uggles.
In any case, Rita and I are going to lunch soon. Probably at The West End. She has got to be chomping at the bits to see her parents tonight! So exciting!!! She and I had a wonderful talk last night (not that all talks aren't wonderful) and I think that is contributing to how calm I feel right now. Even when she has other shit going on, she has time for me and that is so important.
Unfortunately, Paul is not doing so good. He is lonely without his Mariah already and she doesn't even move for another month. He also went on and on about how without Mariah, he feels like he really has nothing. I left him, she is leaving him, it's a tough situation. How do I say "Come here and be with me" any other way than I have already? I hate feeling so good when he feels so bad. He deserves better than that. I can give him better than that.
Uggles.
In any case, Rita and I are going to lunch soon. Probably at The West End. She has got to be chomping at the bits to see her parents tonight! So exciting!!! She and I had a wonderful talk last night (not that all talks aren't wonderful) and I think that is contributing to how calm I feel right now. Even when she has other shit going on, she has time for me and that is so important.
When I was first thinking about moving to NYC, I was under one definite misconception.
In Manhattan, not necessarily Queens, I was sure that there were going to be beautiful people on every corner. Everyone would be wearing the best clothes, have the best style, and they would all be HOTT! However, this is completely false. Not only are most people nasty, but the city stinks of poo alot. And on top of that, I see more homeless men/women then I see Wall Street Bankers. True, I work nowhere near the Stock Market, so that could account for the minimal number of bankers I see, but still! Where are my Abercrombie and Fitch models? Where are my celebrities? Where are my high profile lawyers? Do they even exist? I know they are here somewhere, but hells if I can meet one.
The one thing I didn't count on was how much I was going to love living here. I have lived in very few, but more than 5 places in my life. I have never felt the pride that I feel when I say I live in NEW YORK CITY. There is a definite community here. There is a reason why tourists swarm the city. I have lived in New York State my whole life. Never anywhere else. But until the last year and a half, I have never felt like a true New Yorker. I do now. I am one. I guess I have always been one, but now I feel like I understand what it means. It's one thing to say it. It's another thing to boast it. But to really feel it...now that is something special.
I feel it very strongly.
I don't think that I am one of these people that will spend my life in the big city. I definitely have the need to be in California. But for the time being, I am so happy where I am. I wouldn't trade this up for anything in the world.
It is harder to live here and that sucks sometimes. Overall, the city is very expensive. My commute to work is no less than an hour. I deal with obnoxious people every single day. And doing little things like my laundry or grocery shopping is more of a hassle than it is worth it. But deep down I love it. I have already adapted to it and now I am starting to really enjoy it. It only took me a year to get to this point. Not so bad.
There is a real community here. I feel safe on the subways, safe on the streets, safe in most bars, just really quite safe in whatever I do. I feel protected. I feel independent. And I feel more confident than I have ever felt before in my life.
I do believe that the city is not for everyone. Honestly, I don't think the city is right for some of my closest friends. People have different needs and personalities. Not everyone is going to adapt in the same way. But in either case, there is FUN to be had. There is always something to do. The city never sleeps. True, I would prefer having enough money to be comfortable AND to still have a blast...but you can't have it all.
So I prefer having a blast.
In my opinion, September 11th didn't create New Yorkers. New Yorkers were always New Yorkers. But after the disaster, the world woke up to the true definition of what a New Yorker is. Most people (me included) believed that NY'ers were rude, angry, and only in it for personal achievement and satisfaction. I was so very wrong. The people here are definitely aggressive. They are absolutely here for personal happiness. They are real. They are blunt. And they are allowing me to become exactly like them. To become exactly what I have always wanted to be.
I am by nature the kind of person that doesn't want to step on people's toes. Ever. I try to be as nice as I can. Hurting someone's feelings hurts mine in turn. In fact, up until a couple of months ago, I had a real problem being honest with the people close in my life. I was just too afraid to stand up for ME. I don't like to fight. I have never been someone who enjoys arguing and I am still not the type of person that will get into a heated debate with someone over anything based on opinion. As far as I am concerned, you can believe you are right as long as I don't have to agree with you.
NYC is making me stronger. It is making it so that I have a voice. I am no longer afraid to tell the people in the subway to "fuck off". I can call my family and friends now and not beg for forgiveness for things I really didn't do. I am not scared to get into an arguement with my friends because I know that we will be friends forever. If Penelope and I have a fight at work, she and I can simply walk away and I know it will be fine. Having a friend means never having to kiss their ass. And I know this now. NYC has opened up my eyes and mind. Being a guy that is always ruled by my heart, it was very difficult to tell anyone in my life that they were screwing up.
Most importantly, I have realized that I am here in this city for me and me alone. I am here to be an actor. I am here to grow and to learn. It is like the education that you never get in college. The education of how to be a strong, capable adult. It feels wonderful to know that I am only responsible for me. It feels so good that I can see the growth. At 25, I am in a different place than I was at 24, and at 26...25 will seem like childhood. The one good thing about getting older is the wisdom that goes along with it. NYC is growing me up in a way that no other city has. I am becoming strong and self-sufficient. And above all this, I am happier than I have ever been in my life.
Last night I spoke on the phone with my dad for almost 2 1/2 hours. I meant to only call him and catch up with him and the next thing I know we are talking about everything from work to every personal relationship that I have. Gosh. The wisdom this man has just blows my mind. He believes in me and takes my side without being petty. He supports me unconditionally and he gives me confidence in my decisions. He is my father and my friend and somehow has managed to find a balance at that. I asked him the following question:
"How did you know...I mean really KNOW that you were in love with mom? How did you know that marriage was the next step?"
We spoke on this topic for a good hour. I went into the conversation thinking one thing and was relieved when I walked out of it thinking another. He and my mom have been married 26 years, so they must be doing something right. I hope to follow in his same path. And maybe with Paul....
My dad and I talked about marriage, about children, and about Paul fitting into all of this. WOW. It was pretty intense. But it was perfect. I wouldn't have changed any part of the conversation. He invited Paul and I to spend a weekend with them at my house in Albany. He also invited us to Cape Cod in August and to Provincetown in November. He invited US. Just US. I can't believe it. The effort he is making is astronomical. Paul and I will definitely be doing one of these visits, if not all of them. I want and need them to get to know he and I, as a couple, away from my friends and my brother. I want them to see why he and I work; why after all the heartache that Paul and I have been through, things are better now than they ever have been. Being in love isn't just springtime and hearts. There's definitely a little shit thrown in there too. But you know you are meant to be if you can deal with the shit and still find that love. Not just deal with it. If you can accept it and move forward because of it. Even more than that. If you can accept it as partly your fault and know that their are things that you need to do to make it all better.
After the last time that Paul and I broke up, I cried for days. I missed him. I was angry at him and said that I needed to be treated better. I believed that I deserved more and that he was destroying me as a person.
I am so glad that my maturity stepped in and that I realized that a relationship is a two-way street. Nothing more, nothing less. I could have never took my step down and Paul and I never would be where we are today. The last 4 months with him have been better than the 2 years before it. I would have missed out on him growing as well. I am so glad that I didn't make this mistake. And now, my parents fully want a part of him and above everything else, that makes me feel the best. I AM IN LOVE and I am happy. God. I never thought those words would ever be in the same sentence. And they are. And it is honest. And what a relief.
This entry has gone in a million directions today. I have been typing it for hours it seems. I do think they are all correlated and together they make the full picture.
Here is my thesis statement: Family, friends, and boyfriend, do not make you the person you want to be. They can assist in guiding you down the right path, but the responsibility of growing up and accepting the consequences of your actions is all your own.
In Manhattan, not necessarily Queens, I was sure that there were going to be beautiful people on every corner. Everyone would be wearing the best clothes, have the best style, and they would all be HOTT! However, this is completely false. Not only are most people nasty, but the city stinks of poo alot. And on top of that, I see more homeless men/women then I see Wall Street Bankers. True, I work nowhere near the Stock Market, so that could account for the minimal number of bankers I see, but still! Where are my Abercrombie and Fitch models? Where are my celebrities? Where are my high profile lawyers? Do they even exist? I know they are here somewhere, but hells if I can meet one.
The one thing I didn't count on was how much I was going to love living here. I have lived in very few, but more than 5 places in my life. I have never felt the pride that I feel when I say I live in NEW YORK CITY. There is a definite community here. There is a reason why tourists swarm the city. I have lived in New York State my whole life. Never anywhere else. But until the last year and a half, I have never felt like a true New Yorker. I do now. I am one. I guess I have always been one, but now I feel like I understand what it means. It's one thing to say it. It's another thing to boast it. But to really feel it...now that is something special.
I feel it very strongly.
I don't think that I am one of these people that will spend my life in the big city. I definitely have the need to be in California. But for the time being, I am so happy where I am. I wouldn't trade this up for anything in the world.
It is harder to live here and that sucks sometimes. Overall, the city is very expensive. My commute to work is no less than an hour. I deal with obnoxious people every single day. And doing little things like my laundry or grocery shopping is more of a hassle than it is worth it. But deep down I love it. I have already adapted to it and now I am starting to really enjoy it. It only took me a year to get to this point. Not so bad.
There is a real community here. I feel safe on the subways, safe on the streets, safe in most bars, just really quite safe in whatever I do. I feel protected. I feel independent. And I feel more confident than I have ever felt before in my life.
I do believe that the city is not for everyone. Honestly, I don't think the city is right for some of my closest friends. People have different needs and personalities. Not everyone is going to adapt in the same way. But in either case, there is FUN to be had. There is always something to do. The city never sleeps. True, I would prefer having enough money to be comfortable AND to still have a blast...but you can't have it all.
So I prefer having a blast.
In my opinion, September 11th didn't create New Yorkers. New Yorkers were always New Yorkers. But after the disaster, the world woke up to the true definition of what a New Yorker is. Most people (me included) believed that NY'ers were rude, angry, and only in it for personal achievement and satisfaction. I was so very wrong. The people here are definitely aggressive. They are absolutely here for personal happiness. They are real. They are blunt. And they are allowing me to become exactly like them. To become exactly what I have always wanted to be.
I am by nature the kind of person that doesn't want to step on people's toes. Ever. I try to be as nice as I can. Hurting someone's feelings hurts mine in turn. In fact, up until a couple of months ago, I had a real problem being honest with the people close in my life. I was just too afraid to stand up for ME. I don't like to fight. I have never been someone who enjoys arguing and I am still not the type of person that will get into a heated debate with someone over anything based on opinion. As far as I am concerned, you can believe you are right as long as I don't have to agree with you.
NYC is making me stronger. It is making it so that I have a voice. I am no longer afraid to tell the people in the subway to "fuck off". I can call my family and friends now and not beg for forgiveness for things I really didn't do. I am not scared to get into an arguement with my friends because I know that we will be friends forever. If Penelope and I have a fight at work, she and I can simply walk away and I know it will be fine. Having a friend means never having to kiss their ass. And I know this now. NYC has opened up my eyes and mind. Being a guy that is always ruled by my heart, it was very difficult to tell anyone in my life that they were screwing up.
Most importantly, I have realized that I am here in this city for me and me alone. I am here to be an actor. I am here to grow and to learn. It is like the education that you never get in college. The education of how to be a strong, capable adult. It feels wonderful to know that I am only responsible for me. It feels so good that I can see the growth. At 25, I am in a different place than I was at 24, and at 26...25 will seem like childhood. The one good thing about getting older is the wisdom that goes along with it. NYC is growing me up in a way that no other city has. I am becoming strong and self-sufficient. And above all this, I am happier than I have ever been in my life.
Last night I spoke on the phone with my dad for almost 2 1/2 hours. I meant to only call him and catch up with him and the next thing I know we are talking about everything from work to every personal relationship that I have. Gosh. The wisdom this man has just blows my mind. He believes in me and takes my side without being petty. He supports me unconditionally and he gives me confidence in my decisions. He is my father and my friend and somehow has managed to find a balance at that. I asked him the following question:
"How did you know...I mean really KNOW that you were in love with mom? How did you know that marriage was the next step?"
We spoke on this topic for a good hour. I went into the conversation thinking one thing and was relieved when I walked out of it thinking another. He and my mom have been married 26 years, so they must be doing something right. I hope to follow in his same path. And maybe with Paul....
My dad and I talked about marriage, about children, and about Paul fitting into all of this. WOW. It was pretty intense. But it was perfect. I wouldn't have changed any part of the conversation. He invited Paul and I to spend a weekend with them at my house in Albany. He also invited us to Cape Cod in August and to Provincetown in November. He invited US. Just US. I can't believe it. The effort he is making is astronomical. Paul and I will definitely be doing one of these visits, if not all of them. I want and need them to get to know he and I, as a couple, away from my friends and my brother. I want them to see why he and I work; why after all the heartache that Paul and I have been through, things are better now than they ever have been. Being in love isn't just springtime and hearts. There's definitely a little shit thrown in there too. But you know you are meant to be if you can deal with the shit and still find that love. Not just deal with it. If you can accept it and move forward because of it. Even more than that. If you can accept it as partly your fault and know that their are things that you need to do to make it all better.
After the last time that Paul and I broke up, I cried for days. I missed him. I was angry at him and said that I needed to be treated better. I believed that I deserved more and that he was destroying me as a person.
I am so glad that my maturity stepped in and that I realized that a relationship is a two-way street. Nothing more, nothing less. I could have never took my step down and Paul and I never would be where we are today. The last 4 months with him have been better than the 2 years before it. I would have missed out on him growing as well. I am so glad that I didn't make this mistake. And now, my parents fully want a part of him and above everything else, that makes me feel the best. I AM IN LOVE and I am happy. God. I never thought those words would ever be in the same sentence. And they are. And it is honest. And what a relief.
This entry has gone in a million directions today. I have been typing it for hours it seems. I do think they are all correlated and together they make the full picture.
Here is my thesis statement: Family, friends, and boyfriend, do not make you the person you want to be. They can assist in guiding you down the right path, but the responsibility of growing up and accepting the consequences of your actions is all your own.
Tuesday, April 09, 2002
Feel free to see if you are a dumb idiot.
I scored a 7. But Bill Gates scored a 3, so I guess I will be the ugliest, but most smartest man alive some day.
Intelligence Test
I scored a 7. But Bill Gates scored a 3, so I guess I will be the ugliest, but most smartest man alive some day.
Intelligence Test
Absolutely true. (Wokka Wokka)
 | You are Fozzie! |
